Jaime, all fixed up (well, except for a missing hand), decides to go and hear his father pretend to be happy that Jaime has returned. Tywin has the perfect homecoming present for Jaime- an awesome-looking sword of Valyrian steel. It came from Ned Stark's longsword Ice, a great big mammoth sword that Tywin has had melted down and made into two swords, one of which he's giving to Jaime. Eventually, he will give the other to Joffrey, thereby establishing key symbolism: House Stark is gone. Baratheon and Lannister have taken House Stark's strength and made it their own. Jaime admires it, but he's clumsy with his right hand still, and Tywin doesn't look particularly happy to have to help his son sheath the sword.
Get a sword, lose a dad
Tywin has decided that Jaime will be pretty useless in the Kingsguard missing his sword hand, and wants to release him from the Kingsguard and send him back to Casterly Rock, which he will manage for Tywin and then receive as his inheritance when Tywin dies. Jaime balks. Sure, there's no ADA, and Jaime isn't going to be the swordfighter he once was, but once you're in the Kingsguard, you're supposed to be in for life. Like a Jet. Tywin reminds Jaime that they released Barristan Selmy, presumably for age, but really because he couldn't be bribed. Tywin doesn't know it yet, but that decision didn't work out so well for the Lannisters.
Jaime wants to remain on the Kingsguard, for a reason he won't tell his father: he still loves his sister, and wants to be more involved with his children, now that Robert isn't around. In the book, Jaime is ready to ditch the Kingsguard and marry Cersei just as the Targaryens married brothers and sisters, but even Cersei won't dream of showing the world that Ned Stark was right after all. After telling Jaime that he no longer has a family, Tywin dismisses Jaime, telling him he better get back to work, after just informing Jaime that he could no longer do the job. Notice how quickly Tywin could let Jaime go, maybe because Jaime refused him so firmly. Would Tywin rush to disown Cersei? If he can let Jaime go so easily, how is Tyrion still in his kind-of-good graces?
Tell you what, I'll eat a Roasted Lannister
Tyrion's marriage just keeps getting harder and harder. First, he fails at comforting Sansa, who has not only heard that her brother and mother were murdered, but how. And what happened to the bodies. Tyrion shows respect for Sansa's mother, Catelyn Stark, even though Catelyn almost had Tyrion executed for trying to kill Bran. Tyrion can't begrudge her wanting justice for Bran, and tells Sansa he admired how strong and tough she was when protecting her children, and begging Sansa to be as strong. Sansa ditches her husband for the godswood, where she can look like she's praying but really gets to be left alone. Tyrion then strikes out with Shae, who likes that her mistress is gone a lot, so she and Tyrion can get their freak on. Tyrion thinks that fucking his mistress in the bed he sleeps in with his wife is pushing it. Shae doubts that Tyrion still loves her when he lists all the reasons why he can't let anyone know of Shae's relationship with him. She accuses Tyrion of trying to send her away, when I think we all know that was Varys' idea. Shae storms out. But just as you think Tyrion dodged a bullet today, turns out Sansa's other maid is a sneak.
Jon Snow is getting a grilling, after just hearing about his brother Robb's death. So close in age, raised together by a father wishing to be fair to both, gave them an uneasy, but generally happy relationship, of being not-quite brothers who wished they were. Robb made no secret that he considered Jon a brother and a friend; Jon always had to face that he might, if he were lucky, be a bannerman of Robb's. Maybe. His prospects were so low, he joined the Night's Watch to be closer to his uncle and have a life of honor. So, we see him processing his grief with Sam, right before trying to convince the senior Night's Watch Brothers left that the death of Qorin, Jon's joining the wildlings, and even fucking Ygritte were under Qorin's orders, and so Jon could give the Night's Watch accurate information about the wildlings. Jon comes through with the info, but the Night's Watch doesn't know whether to trust this info, since Jon admits to breaking the letter of the law. Janos Slynt is obsessed with Jon's relationship to Ned Stark, and repeatedly bringing up Ned's treason. Janos just happens to be the City Watch Chief who sold out Ned to Cersei. The Lannisters were generous with rewards until he, on someone's orders, killed Robert's bastards throughout King's Landing, only missing Gendry by luck. Tyrion, not trusting him, sends him up to the wall to act superior to everyone else. Ser Alliser Thorne has always been jealous of Jon. Only Maester Aemmon is sympathetic, telling the others that he's known how to spot a lie after growing up in King's Landing. Aemmon is basically reminding the elitists on the Night's Watch that he's a Targaryen, and no one will be touching Jon Snow's head until the Targaryen is convinced of his guilt.
Janos Slynt, Alliser Thorne, Maester Aemmon, and some silent guy
Tyrion goes from failure to failure today, as he is dispatched to do a job no other Lannister wants. Someone has to wait for wedding guests from the way way Southern realm of Dorne to arrive at King's Landing. And Tyrion enlists Pod (with a new haircut and a couple new inches, so he looks less like a kid now) and Bron to wait with him. Dorne, alone of the Seven Realms of Westeros, never fell to Aegon's Conquest. So, after joining the Seven Realms with a treaty, Dorne's main lord (House Martell of Sunspear) is actually called a Prince. That Prince is Doran. But Doran Martell is totally out of shape and suffering through gout back at Sunspear, so Doran's younger brother has come instead. Tyrion, in a show of blatant dis-respect, is only told this after all the other Dornish houses attending the Royal Wedding inform Tyrion that Oberyn Martell has been in the city since dawn, entering on his own completely unannounced. Tyrion scurries off to ransack the whorehouses of King's Landing before Oberyn causes any trouble.
Which he does, when left to his own devices. He and his lover, Ellaria Sand ("Sand" is the last name of illegitimate children in Dorne, like "Snow" in the North) are sampling the merchandise at Littlefinger's brothel, trying to find just the right whore. Or whores, as it turns out. And timid is boring. After picking out a very willing gymnast, Ellaria gets right to her pleasure while Oberyn decides the young man managing the place will complete the foursome. The pretty little blonde tries to figure out whether Oberyn is a top or bottom. He'll find out soon enough.
The love is about to start, but Oberyn seems a little distracted. The fun stops as Ellaria realizes the song being sung next door. Yep, the Reynes of Castamere, the Lannister Family Killing Song, is being crooned by some Lannister bannerman, probably to convince the whores they're with to get to the sex, already. Lannisters are pretty much ruling the realm, as King, Queen Regent, King's Hand, and Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Only the Tyrells can really compete for supremacy with them. Oberyn is unintimidated. He wanders right into their party, telling the Lannister Singers that the family and the bannermen think they can flaunt the house's wealth and strength all they want. Oberyn isn't fooled, thinking Lannisters are weak. Both of them have hands on their sword hilts, so when Oberyn calls one slow on the draw, he tries to yank out his longsword only to have his wrist impaled to the table by Oberyn's ridiculously awesome dagger. As Lannister #1 screams in pain, Oberyn tells the other that the only way his friend will live is he's taken to help right away. So, if Lannister #2 decides to fight Oberyn, his friend will bleed out right there. See? If there are two against you, make one responsible for the other's life.
Oberyn Martell, aka Sexy Revenge
Tyrion takes this moment to find Oberyn. Well, Tyrion, at least he hasn't killed anyone yet. That you know of. Tyrion, with Bron in tow, manages to act as if welcoming a visiting dignitary in a brothel while another young man has to be dragged away before he bleeds to death is normal. Maybe it is. Oberyn and Tyrion then leave everyone behind to have their own heart to heart, with Tyrion trying to stay on the moral high ground while Oberyn rehashes the bad blood between the Martells and Lannisters.
In a nutshell, Oberyn's younger sister Ellia married the last Targaryen Prince Rhaegar. Rhaegar, in a fit of violence and lust, left his wife (after she'd given him children), and kidnapped Ned Stark's sister Lyanna. This started Robert's Rebellion, leading to a bloody civil war as some houses supported the Starks and Baratheons, and some stayed loyal to the Targaryen king, Aerys. As the war was winding down, someone, not naming names, but someone, ordered a vicious bannerman named the Mountain to execute Rhaegar's family. Rhaegar was already dead, killed by Robert at the Trident. So eliminating all future Targaryen claims to the throne was necessary so their Rebellion would stick. The Lannisters were the worst house of all, laying low until a winner was evident, then brutally wiping out the Targaryens left. Which included Ellia Martell and her children. Oberyn reminds a weary, frustrated Tyrion that he knows Tywin was behind it, and has come for justice. Oberyn, despite sounding like Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, manages to get Tyrion to take him seriously.
So, Tyrion gets the unwelcome task of being the person Oberyn will abuse out of family hostility. Cersei and Tywin are too smart to meet him anywhere not public, so they can keep up the facade of their family's honor. In fact, Cersei and Tywin will have very little to do with Oberyn at all, at least for now. I wonder if they'll ever be around to hear Oberyn threaten them.
Margaery and her grandmother, Olenna try to pick out a necklace for Margaery to wear for her wedding. Olenna is in true bridezilla form as she carelessly tosses an unacceptable one over the garden balcony. Margaery says they better pick one quick, or Joffrey will give her a bloodier one that smells like dead birds. Olenna decides to go all Livin' Large on their staff, sending them away for more necklaces to look at, and completely out-of-control promises to whoever makes the winning necklace. Olenna snaps out of her boredom at the entrance of Brienne. Olenna is admiring both Brienne's size and besting of Renly in combat, but it's Margaery Brienne's come to see. Wearing a dress right of The Sound of Music, Brienne sings about hills being alive. Oh wait, no, actually she begs Margaery to believe that she didn't kill Renly, which Margaery didn't think and didn't care about anyway. Whether Loras will believe her is another story, but is not brought up here. Brienne wants revenge against Stannis, who she blames for the shadow that killed Renly. Margaery tries to temper Brienne's tongue, but Margaery probably wouldn't bat an eyelash if Brienne went down for this treason.
About to launch into "The Lonely Goatherd"
Okay Mom, deal with this tantrum
Dany's army of thousands of Unsullied soldiers is all ready to go. Or would be, if two of Dany's commanders would get away from whatever game they're playing. Dany proceeds down the two lines of Unsullied soldiers standing at attention, then through the camp of Yunkai free folk, now following Dany around and still calling her Mother. Missandei silently follows her the whole way, until they reach Greyworm and Daario, in a contest to see who can hold their sword up longest. The prize? Riding next to Dany for the day. Dany, unimpressed with them both, chastises them for keeping her waiting, then tells them they're both riding in the back, then has to further pretty much order them to put the stupid swords down and get in formation. At the rear. Where asses belong. Showing Dany trying to adjust to her growing and ever-more-dangerous dragons, and trying to referee squabbles, foreshadows the quick thinking she'll need to do more and more.
Joffrey spends his time posing. Literally. Looking more and more like a doll, and acting more and more like a tyrant, Joffrey has completely mastered the art of using his position as King to mock anyone. Even his uncle. Even his uncle the head of the Kingsguard. Since he can't get Tywin to return his calls or do anything he wants, Joffrey seems to be taking out his complete lack of real power on all his other relatives. Jaime is concerned about Joffrey's security at the wedding, and Joffrey's new bodyguard proves himself a total brown-noser. Joffrey starts acting, and will continue to act, as if he personally turned the tide of the Battle of Bywater. No one, no one, reminds him that it was his uncle Tyrion, grandfather Tywin, and the Tyrells that saved the city. Though, Jaime does try to remind Joff that the Tyrells have been feeding everyone since. Joffrey insists that that's only because he's letting the Tyrells help. Sure, kid. Turn the Tyrells away and see how quick your reign lasts. No one says this, and Jaime decides to just let it pass. He's beginning to see that while he's moved away from arrogance, Joffrey has only embraced it.
Completely useless, completely oblivous
Joffrey turns some pages of the White Book, a chronicle of all deeds and members of the Kingsguard. It's an absolutely huge book, and Joffrey enjoys reading about the battles the Kingsguard has fought. He enjoys, even more, coming across Jaime's page, only to find it's one paragraph, mostly about a tourney and then killing Aerys Targaryen, and Robert's Pardon after. Joffrey scoffs at his uncle's meager accomplishments, happy to cut him down. Jaime, who's not looking forward to the next update on his bio, only smiles weakly at the kid. I've never wanted to see a man learn to fight with his other hand more. He'll have his hand full getting the loyalty of the rest of the Kingsguard.
Up North, but just south of the Wall, Tormund Red Hair/No Hat is accusing Ygritte of letting Jon Snow get away alive. He's right, and they will all pay for Ygritte's stupidity. But for now, just as Tyrion must welcome a Martell, they will "welcome" Magnar of the Thenns. He is a scarred creature, looking like a shaved version of the Mountain, and we'd have to wonder how that match could go. Magnar is hungry, but not for the tasty game the Wildlings have cooked. No, they remove all the animals from the spits, and get to roasting the main course: the arm of a Westeros Northman they've killed. Ygritte has to literally stick a drawn arrow in Magnar's neck just to keep him away from her. Tormund is worried that Magnar will take over their attack. Which he will, but only because he's even more uncivilized than the wildlings. With the Night's Watch not sure whether to trust Jon's completely accurate info, the Wildlings and their allies have a chance.
There goes the neighborhood.
Jaime, after realizing that his dad doesn't want him, and his "nephew" has no respect for him, decides that maybe his sister will show him a little love. Which she does, but only a little. She presents him with a ridiculously garish, heavy, fake hand. Jaime, less concerned with his looks now, isn't really convinced that he should be using a fake hand at all, unless it's to wave good-bye to Qyburn, the man who treated him at Harrenhal and arrived with him and Brienne to King's Landing.
After making fun of Cersei's expensive present, he waits until Qyburn is gone to ask why Cersei's developing a drinking problem. Cersei reminds Jaime what his Totally Excellent Adventure felt like from her perspective. She's been alone- first totally alone, left to manage Joffrey on her own, then her daughter was taken away, then she barely survived Stannis' attack on King's Landing, alone, then she's been 'alone' to contend with her father's demands. Now, Cersei all but blames her brother's absence for having to marry Loras Tyrell. Jaime is quick to point out that he was captured, not ditching her. But Cersei, being the only female Lannister, would have felt abandoned by her family, left to hold things together and get along with the brother she hates. Now that Jaime is back, which is all she's ever wanted, she's wondering if she can't do without him after all. Cersei rejects Jaime's advances, mostly because he's done pretending. He came back for her. But she's a Queen Regent now, getting to rule for the next three years. That is, if she can avoid being Loras Tyrell's wife. If Jaime can't help her hold on to her power, then he's no use to her. Cersei ends up letting a maid interrupt them. She's Sansa's maid, and she's got some news for Cersei. There goes Tyrion's secret.
Dany's column is marching to a new slave city to free: Mereen, but they call a rest for the day. Daario, played now by a completely different-looking actor (sigh... no more Fabio jokes, I guess), interrupts her quality time with Missandei to show her the local wildlife, and getting back in her good graces by telling her why she should know the name and use of every plant he's showing her. The people she wants to free know all this, and she will need to know too, to get and keep their loyalty. Which, she will definitely need. The head of the march has found that the leaders of Mereen are trying to get ahead of her. Knowing Dany's army is coming, they've decided to intimidate Dany out of coming. The army stops at a mile marker on the road to Mereen, only to find that Mereen's leaders got to it first: a child slave hangs there, crucified to the marker, pointing the way to Mereen. Like a grotesque double-dog dare. Get scared and avoid a battle? Then you lose face. Keep Calm and Carry On? Then Mereen will show no mercy to you. Oh, and there's a crucified kid on every mile marker leading to Mereen.
Dany, in her you-wanna-play-let's-play voice, instructs her men to leave each child on the post until she has seen it, then give it a proper, slave-collar-free burial. They might be dead, but they're only the first slaves she'll free. And she'll remember all 163 of them.
Brienne and Jaime watch Sansa praying in the godswood, or maybe just talking to herself in peace. Brienne wants to get Sansa out of King's Landing, reminding Jaime of his oath to Catelyn Stark. Now, Jaime's got what he was promised, and it's time to deliver. Jaime reminds Brienne that Catelyn Stark is dead. Brienne tells him that the Stark girls' safety is now his responsibility. In other words, he's not getting out of this. Jaime points out that Arya is probably dead. And Sansa is currently safe in King's Landing. Brienne knows better, and tells Jaime he does too. Jaime figures Brienne is now a Lannister, since she's being as unpleasant as the rest of his family is. After insulting her looks, again, he leaves. Will Brienne be able to get Jaime to keep his promises? Or will he go right back to his old, arrogant ways?
Sansa, after being done "praying", tries to leave and get back to the palace, but she quickly realizes she's being followed. Having the sense not to announce to her attacker where exactly she is, she tries to scurry quietly out of the wood when she's startled by Ser Dontos. Dontos, for those who forgot, almost was forced to drink himself to death for not amusing Joffrey. Sansa saved his life, telling Joff to make him a court jester instead. Dontos bitches for a minute about how far down his house has come. He's the last of his line, his family all gone, no land, no money, no honor. So, he gives Sansa all he has left. Partly to repay her for saving his life; partly so he can see some symbol of his house still in public. Sansa, at first frightened, is touched by Dontos' request and gift. She's made a new friend.
Arya and the Hound are hungry and bickering. The Hound has a plan at least: make for the Vale, get Lysa Arryn, Arya's maternal aunt, to pay the Hound, and then Arya will be free of him. Arya wants her own horse, because riding with the Hound is humiliating and stinky; the Hound doesn't think he can trust her with one, and doesn't know where they'd get one, anyway. Arya obliges by scoping out some old "friends" at a nearby inn. Lannister bannerman now control central Westeros, called the River Lands. The old "friends" Arya spies are really Polliver and his gang. The same gang that ruthlessly captured Arya and the boys she left King's Landing with on their disastrous push for the North. The same gang that killed her friends and marched her to Harrenhal. Not to mention, the little shit took her knife, which is hanging right there, for Arya to see and get back if she can. Oh, and did we mention that they have horses?
What's not to like?
Arya starts marching towards the inn, with the Hound trying to stop her. He hates the odds, and these guys will only want to bring him back to King's Landing and get him executed for deserting. But he's at the door and entering awkwardly anyway. The situation is tense, five Lannister Bannermen, all bottom of the barrel-type guys. The Hound takes a seat where he can see the door; Polliver sits across by him, his men scattered around the main room behind him. Arya is at first worried that Polliver will recognize her; but that only comes later. For now, the others just think he's keeping Arya on as a little on the side. Polliver, knowing he's the Mountain's brother, and a good fighter, actually offers to take him along their little loot-and-pillage-and-rape travels through the River Lands. He's convinced that wearing the royal colors of Lannister will protect him from any resistance and any justice. The Hound isn't interested, even declaring "Fuck the King!" throughout the inn. Polliver starts issuing threats; the Hound just goes about ordering chicken. Lots of it. Totally unwilling to get into this situation in the first place, he'll fight and kill this lot just because they pissed him off. Which he does. There are five, and the Hound manages to kill three, by just simply being a cleverer fighter than the others, and stronger and faster. Remember, this guy survived a childhood with the Mountain. He could fight all of Westeros if he had to.
Which he doesn't have to today. Arya at first goes right to the corner when the fight begins. But she's already killed a few times, and has wanted revenge on Polliver and his gang so long, that she soon picks up a sword, dispatches one of the gang, and then turns to Polliver, after he falls. Taking Needle back, and reciting what he told her, she enjoys watching him realize who's going to stab him through the neck. She enjoys watching men die as she kills them. As they ride away, Arya now has her horse, and the Hound now has his chicken. Arya happily follows behind the Hound, who has no worries- Arya has nowhere else to go, and might get in a few fights between here and her aunt's. They are on their way. They might even get there.
Not seen: Stannis, his Red Sometimes-Girlfriend Mellisandre, Davos, and Gendry, the young bastard of Robert still on his way to King's Landing. We also didn't see, but didn't miss good ol' Littlefinger, last known to be setting sail for the Vale, to woo Lysa. Thinks are looking up for Lysa Arryn, son of Lord Robert Arryn, Lady of the Vale. Soon she'll have a husband and a niece. And how long until Mance Rayder finally reappears in the wildling's latest attempt to take the Wall? Are Beric Dondarrion's Brave Companions staying out of trouble? Did the Blackfish, Catelyn's crusty and battle-worn uncle, make it back to Riverrun?
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