Friday, April 4, 2014

The Mona Lisa of Boom - Scandal - Season 3, Episode 16

Olivia is trying to take a mental health day.  Fitz and Mellie struggle for Andrew's loyalty.  Abby proves herself.  Harrison has worse girl problems than we thought.  And everyone wants women.  Notice, an episode both about wooing women voters and the treachery of women you have sex with.  Or don't.

Hello Class!  Today, let's learn all about women voters

Abby starts her day trying to convince Cy of two things:  one, she can handle things in Olivia's absense; and two, Olivia is just. Not. Available.  Cy is trying real hard not to chuckle as Abby's first meeting, about getting more women voters because they'll decide the election, goes disastrously, with Fitz demanding to know why Olivia isn't there.  As if Olivia is ten and he's a school principal.  Fitz leaves, eventually followed by Mellie and Andrew.  But hey, Abby's coat is something.  Still, Abby decides to persevere.  Will she last the whole episode without running to Olivia?


She may be snubbed and dissed like a substitute teacher, but that's still a great coat

Olivia is busy with Daddy Pope, working out how B-613 is funded.  It involves a cyberattack, probably one of the first ever (the first was Matthew Broderick's successful hack into our nation's nuclear weapon computers in 1983), on the OMB in the late 1980s.  In case you don't know, OMB is a bean-counter agency that just runs government money numbers.  Projections as well as data on revenue and spending.  B-613 ran an algorithm on OMB that found little amounts of money in each agency, each department, and diverted it to B-613.  Like Richard Pryor in Superman 3, only it's worked for almost 30 years.  Olivia brings the news to David and Huck.  David treats the news with his usual sarcasm; Huck goes into PTSD-mode when he finds out the source is Daddy Pope himself.  Olivia tells Huck to find the algorithm.  Huck doesn't want to touch B-613, and it has nothing to do with getting Quinn out first.  Huck is genuinely scared of these people.  Olivia lays down the law and proceeds to her office.

Mellie and Andrew meet in the hall of the White House. Surrounded by White House staff, Andrew confesses lifelong devotion to Mellie, who looks like she'd love to be loved, if only there wasn't an election going on.  Andrew is crushed, but their affair is temporarily low on the priorities list when a news item on Reston visiting his wife in prison is cut by a special report about.... Jeannine Locke.  Jeannine admitted to an affair she didn't have with Fitz to cover for Olivia.  And now, she is ready to maximize profits on an affair that never happened with a memoir about an affair that never happened.  Abby gives in, the morning not even over, and calls Olivia.  Olivia tunes in in time to hear Locke say, in response to the most shallow and vapid question ever asked in Washington DC (and there have been many), that the President is definitely a baguette.  A big penis is good for getting women voters, right?

Is Oprah still shaming people who write fake memoirs?

Olivia races to the White House, and the team figures out that Langston bought out Jeannine's contract with the White House, nulling the non-disclosure clause and putting Fitz's affair back on the news.  Abby and Olivia decide to take the high road and refuse to disclose the fact that Langston helped her daughter get an abortion.    Fitz, instead of making a decision, tells everyone to leave him and Olivia alone.  Ever notice how Fitz absolutely sucks at referee-ing between staff?  He'll always sidebar into some ridiculously spoiled brat fighting with Olivia about how she's not there for him enough.

Instead of giving any solution to the problem at hand, Fitz wants Andrew off the ticket.  Olivia refuses, saying that it would kill his campaign (she's right- Google George McGovern).  Olivia calls him on his bullshit, asking what demeaning act of servitude he'd like today, comparing herself to the lucky lady who gets to keep male porn stars aroused between takes.  Olivia makes it clear that a part of her job is telling her clients No.  No, I won't help you do something stupid.  I'll help you cover it up, but I won't help you do it.  Fitz doesn't want to hear Olivia's version of her job.  So she tells him all about being alone all night, playing and replaying their relationship over and over again, but that she can't figure out how it can possibly go on.  She can't live in their house in Vermont.  Fitz makes promises he can't keep if national security is even a little bit involved.  Fitz reminds Olivia that she didn't wake up one day as his mistress; she chose this relationship as much as he did.  Before leaving, Olivia tells Fitz to find a way to make nice between the White House menage a trois.

Quinn and Charlie find out their new job.  B-613 has tracked Ivan and figured out he's doing business with Mama Pope, and Quinn and Charlie have strict orders to watch, but not intervene.  Jake wants to know if tracking Mama Pope will be a problem for Quinn.  Why would it?  Quinn helped B-613 keep Mama Pope a secret.  Out of everyone, she's one of the few who didn't help free a terrorist-for-hire.  Their first footage is of Mama Pope getting chummy with a man she's just had amazing post-prison sex with.  She gives him an entire box of cash to go and get her flowers with. I hope she doesn't have any pollen allergies.

Don't be like that Barbra Streisand song.  Bring me flowers.

Harrison, in an effort to track down Mama Pope and Adnan, approaches an old friend named Claire, for information.  But Claire is a working girl, and sticks by a potential mentor (and customer).  Sisters doin' it for themselves.  One has to wonder- does Harrison know every woman in DC who's involved in black market weapons/items?

Olivia, later that night, is all alone in bed, no doubt trying to figure out whether she can get half the proceeds from Fitz selling the house in Vermont, when she gets a phone call.  It's Jake, who is drunk-dialing-booty-calling her.  Impressive.  He's standing right outside her door making empty threats about breaking in.  They have a heart to heart through the door in which he tries to deny that James was Olivia's friend, so he couldn't possibly have killed a friend of hers.  But the godmother thing is kind of friend-y.  Olivia wants Jake to acknowledge that B-613 has made him a different person, and he readily admits it.  He admits missing Olivia, and regrets that she didn't come and stand in the sun with him.  Is it her fault that B-613 has pushed him to the edge of decent human behavior?  Because she doesn't spend her nights holding on to him so he doesn't fall over the edge?  Jake leaves, once again grieving at what he has to give up to be Command, reminded of Daddy Pope's last words to him, You are alone.

Booty calls are tough when you're a super secret killer

Huck finds the algorithm, but Olivia must visit Daddy Pope (in his cool office at the Smithsonian- hasn't Jake bugged the place yet?) to tell him the account's been emptied.  Daddy Pope tells Olivia he is on the up and up, but says getting to B-613's money will be harder now, as Jake has very likely moved it in-house on B-613's own network (Daddy Pope didn't?).  Olivia wants some reassurance that her dad isn't fucking her and her people over, so Daddy Pope tells her he's trying to euthanize B-613 before Jake completely ruins it.  See?  Kill B-613 so you can show that Jake would have killed it.  In other words, make your prophecies come true!  Daddy Pope tells Olivia to step up and start predicting his motivations better.

Team Fitz is fuming at Cy, because it turns out that anger at Leo Bergen's smug victory dance made him go to the press with the story of Langston getting her daughter an abortion.  It backfires on Cy, though; Langston admitting that personal circumstances made her change her mind about women's rights will only bring women voters to her.  Cy is unapologetic and informs Olivia that when she's not here, no one listens to her advice:  Fitz is meeting right now with a Senator who can give him women voters, Latinos, and pretty much anyone who isn't a wealthy Born Again Christian.  Olivia runs as fast as the pregnant actress playing her possibly can to shoo the good, bewildered Senator out.  Fitz and Olivia try to fight about what both of them just did, but they run out of steam.  After a quiet moment on the couch, Olivia wants Fitz to decide what he needs.  No, Fitz, not what you want.  What you need.  You need Andrew.  You need Mellie.  So, what needs to happen so you can keep both?

Olivia meets with Andrew right after, giving him a choice:  keep fucking Mellie, and Olivia will ruin his entire political career, making him look so awful that Fitz will have to remove him from the ticket, thereby showing he responds to voters.  Break up with Mellie, and Fitz will keep him on the ticket and Olivia makes sure his political future is safe.  Oh, and if Andrew chooses Mellie, it will be short-lived, because Mellie's not going to want him once his career is over.   Andrew responds by telling Olivia that she scrapes at the bottom of humanity's barrel.  Olivia gives him 24 hours to break up with Mellie, and tells him she thinks he will, as most men choose power over love.  After all, Andrew gave Mellie up before to serve with Fitz.

Olivia and Abby go into problem-solving mode.  They bring in Leo, and insist on a truce between him and Cy, at least enough to get Reston out of the race.  Using info from Reston's past, with the truth about how his wife's lover died (Reston killed him and got away with it), they will turn Reston's wife against him.  Olivia's staff can't go themselves, or Reston's wife will recognize them.  So they send in Leo, who gets a set of insulting directions about how to handle the handoff of Reston's case file to the Mrs.  Leo's a little disappointed that Abby has no faith in him, and plays the scene with Mrs. Reston perfectly.  He doesn't even tell her what's in it, just hands it off and lets her read it.

Off having fun watching terrorists, Quinn and Charlie watch Harrison's friend Claire meet with Adnan and Mama Pope to obtain/make fake IDs and travel documents for Mama Pope's team, and Mama Pope tells Claire she'll have to leave DC.  For good, just to avoid the blowback on this job.  Claire is a little worried- what could they have planned that she'll never get to return?   Charlie demands to know about her past boyfriends.  Turns out, they are all dead, which doesn't faze Charlie, nearly as much as his suspicion that Quinn is still loyal to Olivia.

Huck has come up with a plan to get to B-613's internal network.  He fashions a small device that looks like an early Nokia phone, and tells Olivia it's got to be in contact with Jake's own phone for 30 seconds to download what he needs to feed into B-613's internal network so he can get access and control.  When Olivia tries to refuse, Huck reminds her that that's not an option, and she's to go do what she's got to do.

Jake is woken up at night, and Olivia is unfazed when Jake greets her in the kitchen with his gun.  Appearing stressed out (which isn't hard for her) and needing Jake.  Jake asks her what she wants.  Well, Jake, she doesn't want to know how much paper you sold today.  Their sex is awesome, and Harrison and Huck sit around the Gladiator HQ musing about how chicks use sex to get a brother.  No woman no cry, guys.  Since they're doing it to Jake, seems kind of hard to resent Adnan, doesn't it?  Harrison tells Huck that he's lucky he'll never get laid, so this will never happen to him.  Huck's face is registering the sad fact that he'll probably never get laid again.  Or, maybe he's thinking about whether Quinn will ever fuck him to trick him.  Olivia walks into Gladiator HQ, handing Huck his device back, lingering over it.  The deed is done, plus she got laid.  Win win.

Morning comes to Team Fitz and the Gladiators.  It's Fitz and Mellie's big appearance for the Warrior Women, a group of wounded women vets.  Because women vets are rarely given combat status, they rarely get the benefits male vets do.  Mellie is determined that this will be most successful campaign visit ever, her hair up in rollers, Fitz's potential ties all laid out, and nagging Fitz to make sure he wasn't seen not sleeping with his wife.  Fitz responds like a teenager, throwing the ties on the floor.  Mellie's not going to let a little thing like the President get in the way of the President's campaign.  She puts the ties back on display.  Her amazing tie selection skills will not be ignored.

Gladiator HQ is in standby mode, as Claire has yet to make contact with Harrison, Reston's wife is to release the hounds of hell with her husband, and Jake still hasn't woken up from amazing sex to take his phone into his office.  The visit between Reston and the Mrs. goes badly for her.  Since she's already convicted of murder, who will believe Mrs. Reston now?  Her husband is the governor of the state she's incarcerated in, which means he can have her locked up in the looney bin.  After reminding her that she's married to him for life, he makes it clear that he's in control, not her.  Mrs. Reston has a sad.

Olivia and Rowan go out for dinner, where they muse over whether Olivia will ever be done dragging the world into the light.  Daddy Pope tells her the work will never end.  But hey- that's job security!  He's about to launch into an Emmy-winning speech when Mama Pope completely ruins it for him, but makes it the scene of the night.  A terrorist free to scheme dining with the nations's former top spy and the daughter who's horrified at her mother's past.  Almost as good as the Fitz dinner in the last episode.  Mama sips the wine and informs Olivia that she better find a new career, because getting involved in international intrigue isn't working out for her.  As proof of that, Harrison calls at that moment to inform Olivia that he's found Claire's dead body.  Mama Pope wanders back out, completely unruffled and unbothered by law enforcement.

Did we just drink wine with a terrorist for riches?

Abby and Leo, wandering the halls of the White House, muse on the Reston project.  Leo is sad it didn't work;  Abby is way ahead of him.  She has the footage of Reston's absolutely despotic conversation with the Mrs., and has already uploaded it to the internet.  The video is viral, Reston's campaign is over, and Leo is impressed.  Will someone be getting a job offer soon?  Maybe people will stop calling her Gabby now.

Mellie nails her speech to the Warrior Women, juxtaposed with images of female vets missing limbs, and looking to the First Lady to remind them of why they joined the military in the first place.  Which she does.  Andrew is watching, and realizing something important.  When Mellie hails Andrew later like he's a taxicab, she fishes for his compliments and then offers to have some alone time with him.  He turns her down.  Mellie, knowing who's responsible for her losing her groove, storms into the Oval Office, screaming, "You take everything from me!" and slaps Fitz right in the face.  Fitz isn't even shocked.  Cy wants to clear the room of the staff who've already seen, but Mellie just tells her husband to get back to work.  They struggled over Andrew's loyalty, and she lost.  How much of her loyalty has Fitz lost, though?

With political probs solved for the day, Abby and Olivia decide that Olivia's job sucks.  Olivia tells Abby about the season premiere, when her father tried to fly her away from all this, and she said no.  Olivia doesn't wish she'd said yes, she's just looking for confirmation that saying no was the right thing to do.  Abby reminds her that they're Gladiators.  They don't run.  They fight, they put themselves back together, and they fight again.  There's no running.  Olivia is relieved.

Huck gets into B-613's system just as B-613 is seeing the Blond Sexy Guy return to Mama Pope and Adnan's hotel suite, with a beautiful flower box, thrilled that Mama Pope will get to see the flowers he bought.  Charlie, over the camera, identifies it as a cobalt bomb, and calls it the Mona Lisa of Boom.  Even Charlie is freaked out by the thing.  Quinn wants to move in, as they certainly have enough at this point to put everyone away for life.  Jake tells her to hold.  Remember all that access to the candidate that Adnan bought earlier?  Now, Adnan is on the phone, trying to verify whether they'll use it at the White House or on the campaign trail...

The Gladiators and David are gathered around Huck's computer as he accesses B-613's entire internal computer network.  He can control everything, and everyone is awed at how much control they have over B-613 for a change.  For once, they can do what they want, instead of being at B-613's mercy.  After confirming with a look between herself and David, Olivia tells Huck to shut them down.

As Quinn argues with both Jake and Charlie about going in to capture Mama Pope, their van shuts down.  Knowing Team Mama Pope is about to leave, and desperate not to lose them, Quinn overrides Charlie and his insistence that she's not being loyal to B-613 by storming the hotel room.  Which is empty.  Charlie tries call HQ, only to get a disconnection notice because...

The power is out at B-613.  After ordering it restored, Jake puts the pieces together.

We see Gladiator HQ has broken out the wine.  For once, they won.  For once, they got to make the narrative, not just shape it.  For once, they won for the right.  For once- holy crap!!!!! Jake's just stormed the place, put Olivia in a choke hold and has a gun on Huck!!  And now he's accusing her of killing the President.  Has she?

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