Ramsay really likes a good hunt. So does his #1 girlfriend, who's no slouch with that arrow. They're not even hunting for their own dinner, but to feed Ramsay's hungry dogs. See what a great guy he is? So what if the meal is another mistress who wore out her welcome? She spends her last minutes terrorized by Ramsay's dogs and the other woman's arrows, then spends her last moments as dog food. Ramsay's new servant, Reek can't stop it and he can't watch it.
Heathers, Westeros-style
Bran is spending more and more time in the mind of his direwolf, Summer. Jojen sympathizes, as Summer can walk, jump around, hunt prey, and eat whatever game he can catch. But Jojen warns Bran to limit his time in others' minds. He could get so used to other minds, that he forgets his own, forgets who he is and who his friends are. Which Jojen, Meera, and Hodor cannot afford. They journey on, perhaps following Summer's tracks through the snows of the North, encountering no one else, even though Mance Rayder's invasion force can't be far.
Team Bran finds Summer, who has found a weirwood tree, sacred to the Children of the Forest and the old gods. Hodor lays Bran in front of the tree, and Bran's touch brings it to life, giving Bran a vision. The vision brings the past and maybe the future to Bran- we see a shadow of a dragon over a large city. We see Ned Stark again. We see clouds. And we see another weirwood tree, swaying in the wind and telling Bran in a creepy voice to find him in a tree, to the North. Bran awakes, sure of where they need to go now.
You'll find me somewhere, look some more
Ramsay is no longer alone with Reek, as his father, Roose Bolton, finally reaches home with Locke, the man who cut off Jaime's sword hand. Ramsay's happy to see them all, but maybe Locke most of all. Although the new Lady Walda Bolton gets a totally creepy smile from him, too. She better, she comes with as much gold as she weighs.
Does anyone really think Lady Walda is safe here?
Roose wants a full report and to see Theon Greyjoy. Instead, Ramsay shows him Reek, and Roose is less than pleased. Tywin Lannister declared Roose Warden of the North, but gave him no resources to take the North from either the Ironborn or anyone still loyal to the Starks. The Greyjoys hold Moat Cailin, which is between the Twins and the Bolton castle, the Dreadfort. Theon could have been traded back to the Greyjoys for Moat Cailin, thereby giving Bolton an easy victory. Roose points out to Ramsay, unthrilled, that neutering the Greyjoy heir means he'll never get Moat Cailin in a trade now.
Ramsay is a little put off when he doesn't get his father's approval, noting that the Bolton family flays and tortures its enemies. So, Roose points out that Ramsay isn't a Bolton. He's a Snow. So, Ramsay demonstrates to his father just how complete Reek's devotion to Ramsay is. It involves a straight razor, a painful admission, and bad news. But Theon's horrible secret is out- he didn't really kill the Stark boys. They're still alive somewhere, and the agreement is that the boys are probably at Castle Black enjoying Jon Snow's protection. Locke is sent to find them.
Shave and a haircut for two balls
Ramsay has some bad news for Reek while he holds a razor Ramsay's neck. Theon's old friend Robb has been killed, by the man standing ten feet away. Reek holds it together and finishes Ramsay's shave. Roose is impressed. Reek not only gave them useful information, he won't dare betray Ramsay. Roose sends Ramsay to Moat Cailin, to take it and maybe earn the Bolton name.
Tyrion and Jaime find time to have brunch, during which Jaime spills some wine. Tyrion tries to comfort Jaime, and then offers him some more practical help. Tyrion points out that his job is to command, and Jaime doesn't feel he can do so if he can't fight himself. So, Tyrion decides Jaime's best option is to develop his left hand for fighting, and sends him Bronn. Who picks a secluded, rocky platform just off the ocean around King's Landing. Bronn informs Jaime that top-secret sword-fighting practice isn't the only thing he uses this for, and they work with practice swords. Jaime is angry at his poor performance with his left hand, but he presses on despite Bronn constantly besting him, because he knows it must be done. Notice how Tyrion actually tries to help his brother, instead of control or manipulate him.
The only good Lannister family reunion
Varys warns Tyrion that Tywin and Cersei are on to Shae, and her best bet is to flee, now. Tyrion can't get any more help from Varys, as he will eventually have to protect himself by selling Shae out. But they can all still keep their heads. So, Tyrion sends a crying, heartbroken Shae away. When she won't listen to him end their relationship, he takes to insulting her, refusing to have children with her, and sending her off with Bronn to a waiting ship and a beautiful life in Pentos, just across the Sea. Bronn later assures Tyrion that Shae boarded the ship, and tells Tyrion to drink the guilt away.
If only there was an e-card for this...
Dragonstone is the sight of outright religious persecution, as Melisandre uses Stannis' own lords, even his own brother-in-law, as human sacrifices to the Lord of Light. Selyse, Stannis' converted wife, ignores her own brother's pleas for mercy, and then his screams of agony, as the sacrifices burn. Instead, Selyse and the other converts pray to their new god, asking for light in the darkness. Stannis shows no emotion. Melisandre said this had to be done, and so it did. Davos can't even look. He tries to argue with Stannis that this was wrong. Stannis is stoic about it.
Nothing like a good heretic burning
Dinner between Stannis, Selyse and Melisandre is polygamy, Westeros-style. Selyse has to make excuses for the poor meat, as they're running out of food at Dragonstone. She reminds the table of Stannis' prowess at hunting seagulls. Stannis sharply rebukes Selyse for even proposing any sort of violence against their daughter, Shireen, who won't worship the Lord of Light like her mother. Selyse is convinced that Shireen's deformed face and the illness that caused it were punishments for an evil child. Which, anyone who's actually met Shireen knows is ridiculous. Stannis doesn't understand Selyse's hostility to her own daughter. Melisandre offers to be helpful and talk to the girl. Shireen, however, has no use for her parents' creepy new religion. The Seven didn't require human sacrifices. Melisandre tries to comfort Shireen, telling her that the victims are now cleansed by fire of their sins, and comparing their screams to a woman struggling through childbirth. A woman is always happy once she's done, Melisandre points out. Shireen counters by saying that childbirth doesn't turn anyone into ash and bone. Melisandre realizes that Shireen is going to be a tough nut to crack, and tries to convince Shireen that the religion of the Seven is a lie. There are only two gods, one of Light and Rainbows, and one of Dark and everything bad. Shireen doesn't look convinced, so Melisandre points out that in her religion, there's no hell. The afterlife is only heaven. Hell, Melisandre says, is this life. Too bad for Melisandre, that Shireen is smarter than her parents. This life is only hell if you make it that way.
And now the main attraction! Breakfast, then a splendid ceremony, then a 77-course dinner with entertainment. Even Tywin tries to let loose today.
It starts with the wedding breakfast, one each for the bride and groom. Margaery is eating with her female relatives, and Joffrey with his relatives and the male Tyrells. His future father-in-law gives him a ceremonial goblet that only a college kid on Spring Break would try to actually drink out of. Joff loves it. Tyrion makes the mistake of giving Joff a book, a necessary history book for any king to read. Joff manages to scrunge some politeness from somewhere and thank Tyrion. But the second Tywin reveals his present, that goes out the window. Tywin has given Joff the twin of Jaime's sword. So, just in case Westeros was wondering: the King, Kingsguard and House Lannister are practically one, while House Stark is completely vanquished. Joff celebrates by literally hacking his new history book to pieces. Tyrion and Sansa actually take it better than the others at the table, used to his cruelty and complete disregard for allies and relatives by now.
Joff's biggest responsibility today
The wedding is brief, attended by anyone noble in King's Landing, and ends with Joff happily sealing the deal and sounding very kingly. Joff is great at posing like a king, and occasionally saying what a king would say. But he's no king. He's a spoiled child who will happily kill hostages and alienate allies.
As the wedding party makes its way back to the castle for the reception, Olenna and Tywin share a brief moment together, both commiserating over the spending of money. Olenna prefers to spend it on celebrations, rather than wars.
The wedding reception varies between boredom at slow songs and revulsion at Joffrey's antics. He lays on his immature cruelty pretty thick here, and Cersei and Tywin simply laugh to themselves at how much fun it is to be so powerful. The Tyrells are disgusted pretty quick. Olenna uses fiddling with Sansa's hair to give her condolences to Sansa for Robb's death, condemning those involved for murdering at a wedding feast. A good, pious sentiment from someone who has never been pious. But she repeats to both Tyrion and Sansa her invite to come to Highgarden. Would Olenna be as friendly and accomodating once the Lannister and Stark kids are actually in her power? We'll never know.
Loras Tyrell and Oberyn are already making eyes at each other, but Jaime nips it in the bud, sharing a friendly moment by telling Loras he's a dead man, and his best hope is not to marry Cersei. Loras gets in a good parting blow, by pointing out that while he probably shouldn't marry Cersei, Jaime can't. Oberyn finally gets a few good blows against Cersei and Tywin, making them acknowledge his lover, and pointing out how much more tolerant Dorne is compared to the rest of Westeros. In just a few lines, he reminds Tywin of the rape and murder of his sister, he reminds Cersei that she's just Lady Cersei now, and he implies to them both that Myrcella is better off in Dorne, with his family. No way Cersei left that conversation liking Oberyn.
Brienne makes an appearance, to say what's right and proper to the King and his new Queen. Margaery is pleased, and friendly and queenly to Brienne. Joff loses all interest in her the second she and Margaery confirm that Brienne didn't kill Renly. Cersei's interested, though. She practically chases down Brienne, to have a chat. Cersei is everything Brienne isn't, and Brienne knows this. Does Brienne sometimes wish she was pretty and powerful like Cersei? Or Does Brienne realize that she is everything Cersei is not? Cersei has no fighting skills. She has no real friends. Cersei shows just how little she likes Brienne, questioning Brienne's loyalty and accusing Brienne of loving Jaime. Brienne has no answer, and we can see on her face that Cersei is right. Is Brienne realizing that she doesn't belong in King's Landing? Trust me, Brienne, you'd rather fight the bear again.
Cersei also officially dislikes Maester Pycelle, who she's been bribing since time immemorial. He's been a loyal Lannister lackey for years, but a new helper, Qyburn, has taken his place. After Margaery announces the leftover food will be going to the poor of King's Landing, to applause by the whole party, Cersei undermines her daughter-in-law by sending Pycelle to inform the staff that the leftovers will actually feed the dogs. She threatens Pycelle to avoid her from now on. Qyburn is her new dirty-deed-doer.
The entire wedding party then must suffer through entertainment Joff personally hired: five dwarves dressed as the five kings of the recent civil war. It both insults his old rivals, and the uncle who saved his crown. And the audience is well aware. Assorted nobles enjoy it, or pretend to. Cersei and Tywin look on with amused indulgence. The Tyrells look like they want to leave, and Loras does when the Renly dwarf is mock-killed. Only Margaery can still bring herself to speak to her husband, desperately trying to get his attention away as the Joffrey Dwarf viciously kills the Stark Dwarf and literally bangs his crotch repeatedly into the wolf head. Sansa is fucking stoic. She really will outlive them all. Tyrion's only response is to instruct Pod to overpay the dwarves hired to demean themselves for Joff's amusement.
Okay, it's bad, but as bad as dwarf bowling?
As the act dies down, and Margaery's got Joff's attention, Tyrion and Sansa try to sneak away. Wrong move. They really should have stormed off in a huff, ignoring Joffrey if he tried to stop them. As it is, Joff sees them trying to leave, and insists that Uncle Tyrion should join the other dwarves, and re-enact the Battle of the Bywater. Tyrion's refusal points out that he's been in actual battle, and Joff hasn't. When he invites Joff to join them instead and tries to warn him from getting to close to Renly or his wedding night will be spoiled, Joff doesn't take the insult well. He insists that Tyrion be his "cupbearer", an insult Tyrion tries to turn into a compliment, until Joff spends the time dropping his cup and kicking it around. Like the bully from an 80s high school movie, Joff is unbearable to watch and you keep hoping someone will show up and teach Tyrion karate. Sansa tries to give him some help, but Joff is in fine form.
It's good to be a Lannister
Only Margaery can distract him, and only for a minute, with the pigeon pie that Joffrey excitedly hacks with his new sword. It's a good thing Ned Stark is dead, this wedding reception would have made him want to be dead.
Joff, honey, just play with your pie
But Joffrey isn't done with his uncle, Cersei is so happy to see Tyrion publicly tormented, and Tywin just doesn't give a shit. Everyone's having fun with Tyrion's torment (except the Tyrells, who look like they really will all leave any minute now), until Joffrey starts coughing.
Wait for it....
Oh, is his death horrific! And richly deserved. At first, it's just coughing. Margaery figures it out first, as Joff stumbles off the dais and collapses and pukes. Jaime is at his side before he hits the ground, but can't do a fucking thing. Cersei rushes to him, holding him as his face turns red, then purple (yep, this is called the Purple Wedding) from losing all oxygen.
As Joff lays in agony, and Tyrion is examining the wine goblet, Sansa is surprised by Ser Dontos, dressed as a fool. He and Sansa split while no one is looking.
GO GO GO GO GO GO
Joffrey's eyes turn red, and he bleeds from his mouth, nose and eyes. His final act, through all the agony, is to lift his finger and point. At Tyrion. Or the wine. The second he's still, Cersei screams that Tyrion must be taken away. Which he is.
May the Father judge you justly
So, did Tyrion really kill Joff? Did Sansa? Was it Tywin, realizing that Joff was more trouble than he was worth? Was it Varys, to save the realm? Did Margaery think she could do better, and maybe marry Tommen (shown sitting by his mother all day) instead? Is this how Oberyn gets his revenge?
And now, we try to answer the question- what went wrong with Joffrey? So horribly, horribly wrong? He enjoyed killing, enjoyed humiliating those he didn't like, enjoyed wars he was too scared to fight in, he enjoyed being a little rude prick. He enjoyed things he didn't learn from his father, Robert. Robert did his own killing, fought in battles he then miraculously won, and had no love for publicly hating on people. Sure, Robert Baratheon was a drunk. Sure, Robert Baratheon was rude. But, he tended to be rude to people who had it coming, especially anyone named Lannister. And Baratheon was usually an honest man, especially with those he trusted. It was secret-keepers like Varys that Robert Baratheon hated.
So how did Joff end up so amazingly unlike his father? His mother was a conniver if ever there was one, and his uncle the golden boy who got pardoned for killing the former king. Maybe that was how Joff thought he should be able to get away with whatever he wanted. Cersei knew how bad her son was, and her few attempts to curb his stupid cruelty were completely unsuccessful. Did she just give up, and hope his wrath would never catch her? Tywin made an attempt to set some boundaries for Joff. But Tywin really didn't care if Joff was cruel to the right people, especially if they were his enemies too.
No, something was seriously wrong with Joff that can't be explained, entirely, with his upbringing. Something was wrong the spoiled, coddled little shit himself. Taught about his father's victories but never required to train himself, Joff didn't understand that true bravery is hard. And by the time he learned it, he didn't care. He thought the world owed him its obedience, not realizing a king has to earn his nobles' loyalty, not demand it.
Given too much power, too young, by a family that pinned their own hopes for dominance on him so they didn't dare anger him, Joffrey indulged every sick fantasy he could get in before dying as horribly as everyone but his parents wanted. Jack Gleeson, the actor, has a scholarship to study theology and philosophy in Britain, and actually plans on retiring from acting. I don't blame him. He can't make an appearance on any screen, anywhere, in the next five years without the audience cringing. And how do you play anyone else, when you've spent three years playing, possibly, the most hated character, on any stage, ever?
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