We start in Meereen, or just outside its gates, with Missandei teaching Grey Worm how to write and speak a different language by getting him to share his personal story. Problem is, Grey Worm has no story to tell. Missandei thinks that by sharing her small amount of pre-slave memories of a beach and tall trees, it will encourage him to remember. No dice. His training for the Unsullied very likely left him with no memories of any other life. When you're a slave, sometimes it's better to forget about the freedom you once had. They speak quietly, not quite whispers, but definitely only loudly enough for their own hearing.
Dany and Ser Barristan interrupt; with Dany pleased that the commander of her army is learning to read, and maybe, also pleased that these two have formed a friendship. Dany tells Grey Worm it's time, and they leave together, like a groom being escorted to his wedding. In this case, Grey Worm is leading other Unsullied secretly into the city, through a gate carved from the rock under the city, serving as a release for stormwater. Grey Worm and his troops, dressed as Meereen's slaves, complete with collars and the drab beige pants of the city's slaves, carry some heavy-looking bundles up the steep stairs leading from the drainage system. Lucky for them, the slaves of Meereen have their own meeting hall/quarters. Where they can all congregate and discuss their lot. The slaveowners of Meereen are either cocky or stupid; I would have kept my slaves under lock and key until Dany was dead and her army wiped out. Even slaveowners in the American South knew better than to let large groups of slaves hang out together, unsupervised.
Meereen's slaves are debating the merits of turning against their masters. There's a young hellion, convinced that this is their chance. But the older ones, disappointed in the past, try to talk him down. They've seen what happens when slave revolts fail. Why gamble with your life- especially when you're more likely to die after only a few hours of freedom? Grey Worm answers him, strolling right into the slave quarters, dressed like them but definitely not speaking or acting like them. Grey Worm tells them that a day of freedom is better than a life of chains, so sure of himself he turns the tide. When the old ones throw out their last objection, that they don't have weapons, Grey Worm solves that problem, too. He and the other Unsullied dump out the bundles they've carried up from Meereen's drainage tunnels, and shiny swords appear. Grey Worm, even more importantly, tells them that freedom is best when taken. Dany isn't here to magically free them.
Oh. So, we get to kill the masters ourselves? Even better!
Dany is here to bring them justice once they've won freedom for themselves. We get a taste of the fight, when an anonymous Meereenese slaveowner sees some disturbing graffiti, and looks up to see that his precious harpy statue is covered in a black flag. His guards mysteriously disappear, and slaves show up along every path, taking him out quickly. Dany pretty much walks into the city to a chorus of "Mhysa" and "Mother", from Meereen's residents as they throw their collars in huge pits. Slaveowners have been herded into a frightened, pitiful bunch. Their fancy clothes and useless jewelry used to establish their domination; now they just mark who needs to be rounded up. Lucky for them, Dany only executes 163 of them. Ser Barristan tries to argue that they need mercy. Dany's not interested, and Ser Barry needs to understand that what Meereen needs is justice. The slaveowners get the same fate they subjected the child slaves of Meereen to, and we see them piteously cry out in pain and agony as they die, nailed to crosses, all pointing in an endless circle that makes its way along Meereen's main path through the city. Former slaves watch their owners, masters, tormenters, and killers die horribly. May the Father judge them justly. We pan up to see that the Harpy is now completely covered by the banner of House Targaryen. Unlike Astapor or Yunkai, Dany is claiming Meereen for herself.
Bronn and Jaime are having a little more fun in secret training. Bronn gets to kick the ass of the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard without losing his head. Which he enjoys. While Jaime is busy with his new sword hand, Bronn yanks his fake hand off and uses it as a club on Jaime. He's pissed, but Bronn reminds him that fair fighters die. Jaime can only re-attach his fake hand, and take a break, sitting with Bronn over a waterskin. When Jaime asks, Bronn doesn't think Tyrion killed Joffrey, saying that murder isn't his boss's style. Bronn was hired to protect Tyrion from assassins, not be one. Bronn encourages Jaime to visit Tyrion, saying Jaime should hear from Tyrion himself, anyway. And he informs Jaime that Bronn was Tyrion's second choice to fight for him in Lysa Arryn's trial by combat; Tyrion's first choice was Jaime. Shouldn't Jaime repay Tyrion's faith in him?
Oh, I'm sorry, are you hurt???
Maybe remembering that Tyrion was the only family member who welcomed him home, and set up his new training sessions, we next see Jaime relaxing in Tyrion's cell. He tries cheering Tyrion up by comparing their imprisonments, but Tyrion's done with jokes. Jaime tries being insulted when Tyrion reminds him that Joffrey was actually Jaime's son; Tyrion refuses to back down, insisting that his brother be honest in his presence. Jaime flat out asks if he killed Joffrey, and at first Tyrion doesn't answer. A minute later, Tyrion forcefully denies killing Joffrey, and tells Jaime that Sansa didn't either. She's just not the type. Jaime advises his brother to trust in the trial; Tyrion tells Jaime that their father wants him dead, and he's one of the judges/jury. Tyrion has no faith in the system to protect him. Jaime reminds him that he's the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard; he can't break the law anymore. Jaime doesn't buy that Tyrion or Sansa did it, but he can't do anything about it except hope that his brother gets a fair trial.
Littlefinger lets Sansa conduct her own investigation of Joffrey's death. Littlefinger may be dangerous, but Sansa senses that she can at least demand the truth from him, which Littlefinger is happy to reveal piece by piece. Reminding her that the necklace Ser Dontos gave her had fake stones, he asks her if she noticed a "stone" missing. Sansa realizes they were hollow to contain poison. But no one in their right mind would trust a drunk to kill a king. Sansa rejects the idea that Tyrion really murdered Joffrey, trusting her relationship with Tyrion to know he wouldn't. So she has to work through the other options, but she'll do that later. Because she can't get over how much help Littlefinger was to Joffrey, and how rewarded Littlefinger was. Why kill someone when you have a productive relationship? Littlefinger has little hope of getting anything more from Joffrey, and the kid could turn on him next week. So why not get rid of him once his usefulness declines? Especially when your newest allies can do so much more, without needing your supervision? It's their little secret.
Margaery and Olenna stroll the gardens of the Red Keep together for the last time. Olenna is eager to be off, not feeling any need to see the spectacle of Tyrion's trial, and confident that her grand-daughter doesn't need her anymore. They rest under their favorite portico while Olenna plays with Margaery's necklace, just like she played with Sansa's.
Good times. Good times.
Olenna probably feels that of all her progeny, Margaery is most like her; she tells Margaery what her next steps should be as she cunningly implies her confession to Margaery. She couldn't let Margaery stay married to that beast. She set up Margaery's chance for a more congenial husband. Of course, Olenna will need to leave King's Landing; she needs to be out of the jurisdiction as soon as she can without raising suspicion. As for Margaery's future, Olenna gives her an idea for inspiration based on experience. You can have the husband you want. You just have to not care about your sister too much. Margaery can still be queen; but she needs to find a way to make Tommen prefer her to Cersei. It's their little secret.
Cersei commands Jaime to appear before her, so she can treat him like shit. She's still Queen Regent, now for Tommen, and Jaime has to defend the fact that he has only one Kingsguard at Tommen's door. Cersei is in full bitter mode, imperious with the brother who recently forced her to have sex next to her son's corpse, ordering him around and mocking his pity for Tyrion and doubt of Tyrion or Sansa's guilt. Cersei considers him even less of a Lannister than Tywin does. Jaime, doing a full 180, only watches his sister shove wine down her throat and agrees to her paranoid demands for more guards on Tommen.
Cersei's newest frenemy
Said guards prove absolutely worthless, because we see Tommen look scared as someone enters his room, unannounced in the middle of the night. It turns out to be Margaery, who laughs off Tommen's worry over the guards at his door and his mother's rules. Margaery plays the big sister card, hinting that they might be married soon, and won't it be fun to already know each other without his mother knowing a thing? Tommen, relieved at maybe finding a friend, introduces Margaery to his cat, Ser Pounce, and confides in her Joffrey's cruel threats against his pet. Margaery is all sympathy and hopes for a happy future together for them. She's affectionate without outright seducing Tommen as she leans close to give him a sisterly peck on the forehead. Her only request is that this be their. Little. Secret.
OMG LOL! I love cat guys!
Jaime, tired of having his loyalties questioned all day, and relatives demand that he take care of them, has found a clever way to make everyone happy, and get possible targets for Cersei's wrath out of her reach. Brienne reads his bio in the White Book, lingering over his title, the Kingslayer. She's more serious than Joffrey, and she at least holds the hope Jaime can still do something worth adding. Jaime is less hopeful, since what he's about to do can't really be added; he presents his brand new, Valyrian steel sword to Brienne. At first, she tries to refuse it, but he shows her how it's the most proper weapon for her quest- it was forged from Ned Stark's old sword, and he needs her to use it to find Sansa and get her somewhere safe, fulfilling the Oath she swore to Catelyn Stark two seasons ago. He can't go without abandoning his own duties; but he can give Brienne all the help he can, including new, custom armor, and a squire.
You like me. You really. Like me.
Jaime helps Tyrion, by getting Podrick out of King's Landing before Cersei can either corrupt or kill him; Pod is happy to be a squire to Brienne. Bronn presents Pod with Tyrion's axe from the Battle of the Bywater, and Pod is so touched he has to be reminded to do his job. Bronn bids him farewell in his style, nagging him to get going already. Jaime gets Brienne out of King's Landing, perhaps realizing that Cersei may hate Jaime, but she'll hate anyone Jaime could have feelings for even more. Their last words to each other are naming her new sword Oathkeeper. Brienne will use it to keep both their oaths, and she makes it clear that she's doing this as much for his honor as her own. They give each other tortured looks as she rides off. There are a million reasons why their relationship, friendly or romantic, isn't meant to be. They both realize, that getting away from each other is their only choice. Brienne and Pod ride off, safe from Cersei and Tywin, on a brave quest to honor a vow to a murdered mother. It's their little secret.
Yeah, I get it. We don't end up together.
The Night's Watch is working on keeping their own vows. Jon Snow trains the newest refugees from South of the Wall, as well as some stewards, to popular approval. Ser Allister Thorn breaks it up, angry that Jon is spreading skills he hogs for himself. Jon is angry that Thorn is pissing away possible fighters, but he figures the wildlings will kill Thorn soon enough; why get in trouble over it? The Night's Watch's newest recruit comes over to privately sympathize, confiding that he too, is a bastard, and that he's here because he fed a family with the King's deer. It's really Bolton's lackey, Locke, but he puts on a good show, just as good as cleverly worming his way into a mark as fighting.
Janos Slynt, banished to the wall by Tyrion for killing Robb Baratheon's known bastards, including babies, advises Thorn to send Snow off on the mission to Crasters, to kill the mutinous crows still enjoying Craster's home, food, and daughters. Why kill your sworn brother when you can just send him to die?
Locke overhears Sam and Jon trying to figure out just where Bran could be past the Wall, and one realizes that Sam has broken his vow to Bran, confessing the whole story of Bran crossing into the Wildling North. Which he didn't do in the books. Which means, that the show is in uncharted territory with this plotline. This sets up an interesting confrontation, as Thorn watches about six men volunteer to go with Jon Snow to Craster's. Thorn was obviously hoping he'd go alone, but this is better: not only will Jon die, but so will his closest and most loyal allies.
Craster's is currently headed by Qarl Tanner, former assassin in King's Landing, bragging at how amazing he was. Until, that is, he was caught and sent to the Wall. Tanner obviously thinks he deserves a better fate, and he's found it; beyond the reach of the King, with girls to rape, another man's food, and other mutineers to bully and insult. Cuntface, Tanner's assistant, is sent outside to feed The Beast, which turns out to be Ghost, Jon's direwolf, caged up, thirsty and hungry. But before he can do that, they're interrupted by an older wife, carrying Craster's last son, just born to one of the daughters. Tanner wants to kill it, but the mid-wife insists that it be sacrificed to the White Walkers. And Craster's daughters, beaten, raped, and usually silent as they await whatever fate men dole out, use a creepy refrain, repeating that the boy must be a Gift to the Gods. It's their only pitiful resistance to their lot. Tanner sends Cuntface out to do it, as the baby will be out of his hair either way. As Cuntface taunts Ghost, baby already put out in the cold, we see everything freeze. We hear a baby cry.
Jon isn't the only one headed to Craster's. The Reeds, Hodor and Bran are having a campfire not far away. Jojen looks horribly sick, leaning lethargically into a tree by the fire. They're close enough to hear Craster Jr. crying, and Bran enters Summer's mind, who immediately leaps off, discovering Ghost, but not the source of the crying. As Team Bran hides behind a wood pile, they realize the house if full of Night's Watch who have no more use for their vows, and plot to free Ghost. The mutineers surprise them, taking them all prisoner. Hodor is tormented, like bear baiting of old, with Cuntface the worst tormenter of them all, angry that someone so big is so easily a victim.
Bran, Meera and Jojen are forced to kneel inside Craster's house, while Tanner interrogates them. Jojen, who keeps looking worse and worse, goes into an epileptic seizure, and Meera can't get to him while Tanner waxes on about how pretty she is, and implies just how much he'll enjoy raping her. Bran cracks, so Meera can be free to help Jojen breathe. Tanner is overjoyed to have a highborn hostage. And a Stark, no less. Maybe the last living one, no less. What a wonderful secret he now knows. He doesn't know what he'll do with Bran, but he knows he'll enjoy it.
Craster Jr., is on another journey, with a gnarled, ice-white White Walker on top of a skeletal, undead horse. Junior isn't at all afraid, or even cold, as the White Walker rides him right into a gigantic rock, possibly the Fist of the First Men, and lays him on a table of ice surrounded by ice columns. We see, in the distance, a line of other White Walkers, dressed in black in a line. One advances, walking slowly and dignified; he picks up Craster Jr., touching him with one grayed, overgrown fingernail. Craster Jr. transforms before us, into a baby White Walker, to be raised by the other Sons of Craster. Into what? It's their little secret.
Bye Bye, Baby
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