Ser Dontos, Sansa's newest best friend, manages to evade Tywin's orders to close the gates by leading Sansa not out, but down. In the book, they have to descend worn stone steps down a cliff, but here the descent from below the Red Keep is easier and quicker, and Dontos rows Sansa away before anyone can see them. A clean getaway, as Dontos rows Sansa straight into the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Well, it could be. A ship emerges from the fog, sails rolled up to disguise the owner. Dontos sends an apprehensive Sansa up the ladder, and she's helped on board by the former Master of Coin/Brothel owner himself. Littlefinger is happy to see her safely on board, telling her all sorts of comforting things. Then his men shoot Dontos full of arrows, leaving his body in the rowboat. Sansa is horrified, but Littlefinger assures her that murder is a much more effective way of keeping secrets, much more so than gold. He's right. Littlefinger then gently removes Sansa's new necklace, laying in the rail of the ship, and you can see a stone missing. You can also see Littlefinger crush the "stones", meaning the necklace is a fake. What did Littlefinger tell you months ago, Sansa? King's Landing is filled with liars, especially the guy who just told you you're safe. Now, Joffrey is dead and Littlefinger has the only known heir to Winterfell.
Stannis is not so lucky. Two of the three of the people he wanted dead are. Only Balon Greyjoy, Theon's father, remains, for now. But Stannis has no army or navy to take advantage of any possible chaos in King's Landing. Which is just as well, because there isn't any. Davos proposes hiring sellswords; Stannis hates the idea, even when Davos reminds him that he's sacrificing people to Melisandre's god for victory. Stannis throws a tantrum at Ser Davos, telling him that failure to get him an army will cost more than three fingers, or a job as Hand.
Detention for you!
Ser Davos, pissy at being threatened with death because he can't compete with Melisandre and luck, is late for his reading lesson. Shireen is pretty strict about punctuality, and chides him about his lateness and the importance of her lessons, making Davos realize she takes after Stannis. All is forgiven when he realizes that today's reading lesson is all about famous Braavosi pirates. When Shireen says she picked it because Davos was a pirate, he corrects her that he was a smuggler. What's the difference? The difference is that if you're a smuggler, no one should ever know your name.
Braavos is also home to the Iron Bank, rich and ruthless people who Tyrion warned us about last season: if you don't pay back your loans, they start funding your enemies. As Davos reads his lesson, he realizes how he can score the gold necessary to buy Stannis an army. He has Shireen, now his confidential secretary, draft a letter to the Iron Bank, with himself acting as Stannis. Are they being pirates or smugglers?
Margaery and her grandmother, Olenna, Queen of Thorns try to decide if Margaery is still a Queen. Well, we all know what Cersei would say, but what is the rule on this? Margaery tries moping that this is the second king-husband she's lost, but Olenna won't have it. Being twice-widowed is a tray of cakes next to death. Margaery wonders if she's cursed; Olenna consoles her that she's lucky. Renly wouldn't give her an heir, and Joffrey was a horror. And husbands, as Olenna points out with a sad story of seeing her husband's dead body, are not all that, anyway. Don't worry, she tells, Margaery, the third time's the trick. Olenna is definitely a smuggler.
Wait, I have to get married again?
Tywin finds Cersei with Tommen, praying over the dead body of Joffrey at Baelor's Sept. At last, that little shit is in a scene without making everyone cringe, with his new sword in his hands, and fake eyes watching as Tywin leads Tommen on a history lesson. Tywin, while Cersei is trying to mourn her son, quizzes Tommen on what kind of king he'll be. Oh, a good king? Great! What makes a good king? Tywin and Tommen go through the characteristics that Tommen gives him: holiness? Didn't do Baelor the Blessed any good Justness? Didn't do any Targaryen any good, ever. Strength? Oh, like your supposed dad Robert, who's only accomplishment was winning his rebellion and literally drinking his reign away? Tommen finally realizes that Tywin is looking for the answer wisdom, and Tywin is extremely pleased as he tells Tommen that to be wise, he must do as Tywin tells him. Tywin realizes just how much easier his job will be with Tommen as king, and Tywin has never looked more guilty of killing his grandson. Tywin cautions Tommen, that he doesn't want to end up like Joffrey, does he? Cersei looks horrified while Tywin states that Joffrey is dead because he didn't listen to Tywin.
Cersei is speechless when Tywin leads Tommen out of the Sept as he tells Tommen that it's time to get married. Don't worry, he tells Tommen, the wedding night is a tray of cakes next to death. Cersei can only watch as Tywin takes over her son's life. On their way out, they bump into "uncle" Jaime, dressed in his Kingsguard uniform, reassuring Tommen that he's safe. Sure. As safe as a kitten in a blender, kid.
This is you, Tommen
Jaime doesn't want to talk to his "nephew" Tommen or Tywin, who is still not speaking to Jaime. He orders the priests and guards out of the Sept, and the doors close, leaving the Sept empty and dim. Only in spaces like this, can they be open with each other. Cersei is in serious grief, possibly the only person in Westeros who is. She tries to remind Jaime that Joffrey was his son, their baby, but Jaime just can't seem to muster much regret, and he is on the fence about whether Tyrion killed Joffrey. Cersei, as proof, repeats Tyrion's threat to strike at her just when she was enjoying life the most, and she was having a pretty good time at that wedding. Cersei demands that Jaime kill Tyrion himself. Cersei is always demanding someone kill her enemies for her, usually to prove their loyalty. Once, Jaime pushed a kid out of a tower at her request. But those days are over. Jaime kisses her passionately, but Cersei pulls away, withholding any affection until she sees Tyrion's head on a plate.
Jaime can't take this. All he has wanted, for three seasons, is to see the woman he loves. But he gets back to find that she's moved on and more interested in ruling the realm. Cersei has chosen this moment to decide that what they're doing isn't right. He calls her a hateful woman, bitching that he's in love with someone so awful, and then rapes her right by their son's dead body. Why not just wait her out, wait until she's lonely and angry at their father and wants Jaime to comfort her? Why not just walk away? Instead, he literally forces her down onto the floor and keeps telling her he "doesn't care". He will have what he suffered for.
**NOTE** A recent interview with the episode's writer indicates that he didn't consider it rape, just Jaime taking getting what he wanted even if he had to force Cersei "at first". That's not the scene I watched, with Cersei saying no and trying to get out from under Jaime until the camera cut away. Just for the record, that's rape. Their mental connection as twins, and past consensual sex doesn't make what he did not-rape. It was rape. In the book, the sex was consensual, but the writer completely failed to show consensual sex here.
Yes, it was rape. It's not grey, murky, or ambiguous.
Arya and the Hound are doing much better, watering their horses and trying to figure out where they are. The Hound is just starting to realize that traveling with kids, especially when you don't have a map and don't really know the way, might not be worth any money Lysa Arryn gives him, when they're interrupted by a farmer, staring down from the bridge above. The Hound insists that any land he stands on belongs to him, and anyone who doesn't like that can try to take it from him. The farmer decides to let The Hound have the ground beneath his feet, especially when Arya speaks up and apologizes, for her "father's" bad manners.
Arya's quick thinking gets them a free dinner from the Nicest Man in the Riverlands, where she has to apologize again for The Hound's terrible manners. The Hound sure knows how to cut prayers short. Arya is relieved when Nice Farmer Man offers The Hound work and silver for it, but angry the next day when she sees that The Hound is just taking his silver, knocking him to the ground, and leaving. Killing rapists, looters and murderers is one thing. Stealing from an honest farmer with his own troubles has no honor.
The Hound has no more use for honor. Remember, he's not a knight, specifically because he thinks all the vows and talk of honor is bullshit. And he thinks Mr. Nice Farmer is going to be dead in a week anyway. After all, there are ready-to-eat crops in the fields. He'll be dead to feed some marauding gang soon. And why not just take his money now, before Lannister looters do? Arya stops arguing as The Hound scolds her to accept how the world works. The Hound is a pirate, but he's alive.
Honor is for the dead
Sam is concerned that Gilly is about to be raped, herself. While Gilly happily plucks a chicken, sitting next to Sam, she seems perfectly content at Castle Black and not worried about the castle full of men around her. Sam isn't so blissful, and he makes a deal with a brothel owner in Mole's Town, so Gilly can live in a dirty, cold, back room with Baby Sam for cleaning, cooking and nanny duties. Gilly, after being happy earlier, is resigned, convinced that Sam has sent her away because he doesn't really care about her.
Just a little south, Tormund, Magnar, and a combined Wildling/Thenn force quickly slaughter a small village that never saw it coming. Ygritte is back to doing what she does best, making crazy accurate arrow shots. All that's left is a little boy that Magnar terrorizes with a knife and the fate of his poor parents. The little guy is terrified, but has enough sense to run away, right to Castle Black.
Woo hoo! Definitely pirates.
Without a Lord Commander, the Night's Watch has to debate what to do. Allister Thorne knows it's a provocation to draw them from Castle Black and the Wall, which would give Mance Rayder a chance to take Castle Black from the North. Aemon and Jon agree. They're debating their next move when the only two survivors of the shit fest at Craster's finally return to the Wall, telling the rest of the Watch that Lord Mormount's killers, the Mutineers, are still at Craster's. Jon freaks out, and tells them that they'll ruin Jon's only surviving lie: that there a 1,000 Night's Watch on the Wall. Allister Thorne doesn't want to, but he has to agree with Jon. So, it's back to Craster's Keep these guys will have to go. It's a tray of cakes, guys.
Tywin's not done today. After schooling Tommen on how the wedding night goes, he heads on over to King's Landing's best brothel. Ellaria and Oberyn are there having a fivesome. Yep, five people fucking each other. There's an uplifting conversation about bisexuality, with Oberyn basically admitting that he wants to fuck every single attractive person on the planet, and Ellaria declaring that the best idea she's ever heard. The party is interrupted by the City Guard, led by Tywin, who marches right into a room of naked people.
Once they're gone, including Ellaria, Tywin gets down to business. Oberyn gives him his condolences, and Tywin wants to make sure that Oberyn didn't kill Joffrey out of revenge against Tywin. When Oberyn rejects hurting children because of their grandparents' sins, Tywin then brings up Oberyn's knowledge of poisons- was it used to kill Joffrey? Oberyn laughs that off. Tywin brings up his little chat with Tyrion after arriving in King's Landing. But that was to threaten Tywin. Oberyn tells Tywin that he's here for revenge against the Mountain and whoever ordered him to kill his sister and her children. Tywin flat out denies giving the order (that's very likely a lie); Oberyn, for the moment, believes him. Tywin offers him half of what he wants- there could be a way of revenge against the Mountain, but Tywin will need his help.
Tywin needs Dorne. Laying out just how vulnerable Westeros is, Tywin offers Oberyn a judgeship in Tyrion's trial, plus a seat on the Small Council. Oberyn so didn't see this coming. So a man who really just wants to fuck and swordfight will be governing Westeros? At least Tywin is aware of the threat from Wildlings to the North, and Dany to East. Even if he can't do anything about them right now.
We see Tyrion at last, in prison but not beaten yet. Podrick comes to see him, and though the guards found the wine, they didn't find any of the other things he's smuggled in to Tyrion. Tyrion assures Podrick that he didn't kill Joffrey, even though he's relieved the little shit is dead. After telling him that Tywin, Margaery's father, and Oberyn will be his judges, Podrick confirms that he's heard nothing about Shae, and updates him on his wife's disappearance. Tyrion rejects Sansa as a suspect, saying she's just not murderous. He also rejects Cersei, as she actually loved Joffrey, and is probably the only person in Westeros who didn't want him dead. But, who then? When Podrick tells Tyrion that the ubiquitous "they" are already trying to get him to testify against Tyrion, Tyrion sends him not just away, but begs him to flee King's Landing immediately. Podrick may only stay long enough to send Jaime to see him. Tyrion tells him he's been a great squire, but now it's time to save his own skin. Podrick, now more of a young man than the boy who squired him, takes one last look at Tyrion before he leaves.
Attica!
Danaerys, the Unsullied, her Queensguard, and Yunkai camp followers arrive at the megapolis Meereen. Or, as Andrea calls it, Egypt! The statues are of the harpy they worship; the structures are so immense hundreds of slaves died building them. It's a monument to the slave-owners' power and invincibility. Dany's not impressed.
Don't worry, I'm smarter than a horse.
Meereen's gate opens slightly, for a horse and rider, Oznak zo Pahl. He rides around a bit, yelling. Then, just in case Dany and her armies didn't know he's an asshole, he pisses towards them. Dany is a little amused, but holds him in as much contempt as Meereen has for her. He's Meereen's champion, come to defeat whoever Dany presents as her best warrior. Barristan offers, but Dany needs him to guard her. Ser Jorah offers, but Dany needs him to advise her. Grey Worm offers, but Dany can't lead soldiers into battle. Daario finally offers; he is no leader, he's lowborn, and he's the only one there Dany can afford to lose. Dany lets him go, and offers him a horse. He turns it down, no doubt on his face that he can defeat Oznak. Dany isn't so sure, but Oznak's getting closer and Daario shoos her away. As Oznak's horse fast approaches, Daario slips out his stiletto dagger, much like Oberyn's, and throws it straight into the horse's eye. It collapses immediately, throwing Oznak right up to Daario in a cloud of dust. We can just make out Oznak trying to stand before Daario efficiently cuts him down with a scythe. Meereen is furious, but Daario picked for his stand a point just beyond the arrows. He returns Meereen's insult with his own generous flow of urine over Oznak's body.
Dany has their attention now. In Old Valyrian, the same Dany that killed the slave-owners of Astapor lays it out for the slaves of Meereen. She tells them that their masters are thieves and killers, and can only offer chains and suffering and commands. She gives them a choice. Then she calls forth the catapults (made from breaking down her ships for the wood), and they hurl massive barrels toward Meereen, arcing over the spectators, to crash into the massive structures behind everyone. Kind of a useless offensive shot. Maybe. People examine the burst barrels, which have spewed debris everywhere, and a slave crouches down to find a broken slave collar. He stares at it as one of the owners watches from behind. I bet there are 163 of these collars.
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