Oh, Fuck it. Just be better than Joffrey, kid.
Remember who Mommy almost poisoned that night? Now, he's King.
Tommen is already making eyes with Margaery, as if they already had a private joke about his crowning to smile together at. With the Lannisters on the dais with him, and the Tyrells in front seats over all others, it's clear who will still be running this realm. Cersei catches the last of their shared, not-well-kept smiles, and decides to have a heart-to-heart with Margaery. Really. She seems finally ready to accept that the Tyrells are Lannister's allies now, and have to be kept happy. Instead of a veiled threat, or self-serving insult, Cersei admits that Margaery is better off without Joffrey, telling Margaery that she dodged a bullet by not having Joffrey as a husband for more than a few hours. Margaery plays this very diplomatically, and I think Olenna is right to trust her with Tommen and his future. She respects Cersei's feelings for her son, good and bad; she demurs from criticizing Joffrey herself (knowing that Cersei would use it later against her) and doesn't say an outright yes when Cersei suggests she marry Tommen. Margaery says she must defer to her father's judgement. Cersei notes that she has the same restriction. Two women, one fully grown with two sons on the throne, and they can't do anything without Daddy's say-so.
Tywin is sympathetic to the match. After both agreeing, in hushed tones, that two weeks ought to do it for both kids, they agree to suggest the match to the Tyrells. Has Joffrey's death made them realize how vulnerable they are, both in and out of King's Landing? Tywin decides that it's finally time for Cersei to marry Loras, The Flower Knight, and Cersei doesn't have it in her to put up a fight. Sounding resigned, she listens patiently as her father explains why her marriage is important. The West's gold mines have gone empty, not turning up any new gold in three years. Casterly Rock, and House Lannister, are going to have money problems. Soon.
And so will the realm, as wars are expensive, and the crown has borrowed heavily from the Iron Bank of Braavos. Tyrion briefly mentioned them last season; if you don't pay them back, they fund your enemies. Cersei doesn't understand why they don't talk to someone at the Iron Bank; Tywin says there's no one who would talk to them, even if they could find an actual person to talk to. The Iron Bank doesn't enforce its loan terms with Sheriffs or courts; they just have you destroyed by another debtor. So, you pay up, or you die. In the end, no matter who runs Westeros, the Iron Bank will profit by it. Remember, Ser Davos applying to them in the last episode?
Like zombies, they can't be bargained with, or frightened/injured into stopping. Tywin admits that they have an enemy that not even Tywin can scheme around. So, Cersei understands now why she must marry Loras; Lannister needs the Tyrells' money to pay the Iron Bank. Marrying Loras will cement their alliance, making the Tyrells more willing to pay the crown's debts. Gold is more valuable, but the good land of the Reach can be farmed forever.
Before parting, Tywin tells Cersei that he's fine with her making whatever kind of case she wants for Tyrion's guilt, but he won't- "wink wink"- talk to her about it, as he has to pretend to be an impartial judge. Cersei just has to give him enough so he can say they tried him, and present just a little bit of good evidence. Cersei goes on about their family name, implying that by getting rid of Tyrion, they can be the family she's always wanted.
Petyr Baelish and Sansa reach the Eyrie, not seen since Season 1. After getting Sansa to cover her unique red hair, he then instructs Sansa on how impregnable the Eyrie is as they proceed through archers ready to shoot at the slightest hint of attack to the Bloody Gate. It's here that the Vale usually defeats their enemies, as it's the only way through the Mountains of the Moon. Armies have been dying here for 1,000 years, which is why Lysa literally fled here after her husband's death. She now will bend the knee to Tommen, but on her terms.
And what a wonderful reunion, as Sansa is finally united with a relative, her mother's sister Lady Lysa. Lysa is widow to Jon Arryn, whose death made Eddard Stark the Hand in the first place. Lysa also set Catelyn onto House Lannister, starting the outright enmity that ignited Jaime Lannister and the Mountain in the first place. We see that Lord Robin, Jon Arryn's son by Lysa, is hopefully not actually breastfeeding anymore, although he is still staring lovingly at his mother's breast, like a dieter regarding chocolate. The little guy is ecstatic to see "Uncle" Petyr again, lovingly caressing the mockingbird crystal Baelish has brought him, and joyously tossing it out the Moon Door, to demonstrate to Sansa what the drop is like, and because he likes to see things "fly" out of it. He's seemingly sweet, but he'll kill you without a second thought, just because the sight of it excites him. Sansa's a little put off, but is happy to go off with someone who's being nice to her.
Leaving Lysa to pounce on Petyr like Miss Piggy on Kermit:
Oh, Kermie Kermie Kermie Kermie....
Lysa, also like Miss Piggy, wants to be married immediately to her Kermie. She feels she should get what she wants with no more waiting, and we find out that she poisoned Jon Arryn, her own husband. She lied to Catelyn about the Lannisters, which led to fighting all over the River Lands as her lie played out. All for Petyr, and at his urging. She's been more loyal than any wife, and she's done waiting. When Baelish tries to get a few hours before the ceremony, Lysa opens the doors to reveal that she's already lined up the Septon. Then, she goes full Miss Piggy as she reveals she's dressed for a wedding, and totally ready for that wedding night.
Sansa tries to sleep through their lovemaking, unable to ignore Lysa's screams of ecstasy. Lysa finally gets what she wants. And like Miss Piggy, she can be pretty loud when she does. The next day, Sansa enjoys eating lemon cakes, and she's lulled into liking Aunt Lysa with a shared memory of her mother's love of sweets. Lysa segues from an embarrassing story of Catelyn, into how the lemons required for the cake got to the Eyrie, and how it was all by Baelish, for Sansa. So, Sansa's grateful, right?Because she should be. But not so grateful, because Lysa is already extremely jealous of Catelyn's daughter. Lysa clearly was always jealous of Catelyn. Lysa loved Petyr, and always suspected that he loved Catelyn more than her, even when Lysa had sex with Petyr years ago. Lysa got old Jon Arryn as a husband, while Catelyn got Ned Stark, who gave her five healthy children. But now, Catelyn is dead, her children almost all gone, and Lysa has her heir of the Eyrie, and the husband she's always wanted. Her glee at imagining herself the winner is obvious, and her ability to turn on Sansa frightens her. Fortunately, Sansa has spent the last year or so learning how to placate very stupid tyrants. By telling them what they want to hear, that she's still a virgin, that Tyrion never touched her and neither did Petyr, that Lysa has nothing to fear from her. And it works. Lysa holds Sansa to her bosom as she insists that Sansa will marry her son, the grossly immature Robin. Sansa looks like she wants Tyrion back.
Dany holds a Small Council meeting, with Ser Barristan Selmy, Jorah Mormount, Daario Naharis, and probably Missandei and Grey Worm, though they don't have any advice for Dany. Daario presents Dany with Meereen's navy, which he took on his own initiative, as a present for her. Dany has to look away so Daario doesn't see that she's pleased, despite Daario moving without her say-so. She pretends to accept Daario's present, only because he's captured enough ships to possibly strike at King's Landing. Selmy is ready to take the ships, the Unsullied and the Second Sons to King's Landing and see if it's enough. He tells Dany that all of Westeros will rally to her when she arrives. Mormount, while not calling out Selmy's bullshit, isn't so sure that they have enough to take more than the capital. He also informs Dany that Yunkai's slaveowners have control of the city again, reinstating slavery. And Astapor, freed first, has been taken over by a tyrant named Cleon. Her experiment in emancipation is backsliding.
40 acres and a mule ain't gonna cut it
So, sail for Westeros, and maybe get her crown back? Or, take the one she already has, and make her campaign for freedom more long-term? Dany is worried by her own lack of experience, and even more concerned for the people who look to her for help. She confides in Mormount that it's time for her to be a Queen, now, to the people she already rules. So she will rule. She moseys out to the balcony, looking over her conquered territory, as a home. For now.
Podrick is horribly unsuited for his new job, which Brienne spends all day reminding him. He never rode anywhere with Tyrion, he never cooked food, he really only poured lots of wine and washed Tyrion's clothes. Like a valet at Downton Abbey. He can barely keep up with Brienne, who rides smoothly along the Kings Road, intent on reaching the Wall and Castle Black, where Brienne thinks Sansa has gone to be with her brother, Jon. Brienne is exasperated by Podrick's inexperience, until she learns that Podrick killed a member of the Kingsguard to protect his Lord. So, the kid may not be the brightest star, but he's loyal. So, Brienne relents and asks for Pod to help her out of her armor. Which he leaps to.
Cersei and Oberyn share a stroll. Oberyn tells her that he writes very bad poetry for his daughter by Ellaria, one of his eight baseborn daughters, known as the Sand Snakes. Ellaria is mother to about half of them, including the daughter Oberyn named for his murdered sister, Ellia. He confesses that she is a handful, and Cersei guesses it is because of the effect of Ellia's name and tragic end on Oberyn, that his daughter bickers with him.
Okay, enough about you. Let's talk about me now.
Cersei is on a roll, three relatively benign conversations in one episode. Here, she's worried about her daughter and desperate for information about whether Myrcella is happy. Oberyn assures Cersei that Princess Myrcella is fine, and playing with the Martell kids in Dorne. Cersei's not convinced. But she trusts Oberyn to bring Myrcella her name-day present, a handsome little sailing yacht, perfect for a little girl who loves the sea. Oberyn is impressed and happily accepts the assignment. He, once again tries to reassure here that Dorne would never mistreat a little girl. Cersei calls that wishful thinking. Neither girls nor women are safe anywhere.
The Hound can't sleep through Arya's night time recitation of her kill list. At first, the Hound is sympathetic with Arya, saying she may as well keep going from hate as anything else. He even fully supports killing his own brother, the Mountain. But Arya has one more name on kill list. His. When he awakes the next morning, and finds Arya practicing her old water-dancing moves, he outright mocks how each move is fussy, requiring extra movements. He mocks Syrio Forel, who was killed by a Kingsguard that the Hound thinks is barely competent. If Syrio was the best, why is he dead? Arya insists that with her moves and little sword, she can kill, and tries to demonstrate on the Hound.
Who is completely unharmed from her perfect lunge, as her knife can't even dent the light armor he wears. The Hound takes Needle away, and swipes her in the face, knocking her to the ground so he can point Needle at her. Victory doesn't go to people with fancy moves. It goes to whoever has the longest sword and the best armor. Arya can put his name on her kill list all she wants. The Hound will sleep well anyway.
Oh, Good Grief!
And now, we come North of the Wall, where the Mutineers continue to terrorize Craster's wives, forcing them out into the cold as they continue the sexual violence. Locke, Jon's fake new friend, scouts out the place, the men left, and even finds Bran and his friends. And he almost faithfully, reports on all he sees. He's not here to kill Jon, just sneak his little brother away to Roose Bolton. He even warns Jon from going near the tent where Bran is kept. Best to keep him out of the way, and let him be none the wiser.
Bran, Meera and Jojen can't see any way to free themselves. But Jojen is admant; Bran will get to the Three-Eyed Crow. Jojen urges Bran to complete his journey, even if he must leave them. He, like Bran, has seen the weir tree that Bran must find. As the hut fades away, we see Bran, still tied up and bloody, sitting in front of the tree. Bran is relieved that Jojen also sees the tree. But the moment is ruined.
Qarl Tanner, the assassin of King's Landing, now living large in Craster's Keep, rejoices in finally getting to rape Meera, who is scared but resolute. She tries to resist getting chained up, but there are two Mutineers working on her, and Qarl scares the shit out of her. Bran is uselessly begging, Hodor is trying to free himself, and Jojen suddenly offers Qarl his services. As a seer. To save his sister. When Qarl mocks his gift, Jojen gleefully foretells Qarl his own death. The sounds of fighting start, Qarl runs out, and Jojen predicts the place will burn, with his hand catching fire to demonstrate.
Weird, right? It just does that...
The fight is pretty quick, at least outside. Locke, after the fighting begins, sneaks back to the hut. After slicing Bran's leg to demonstrate that he is the crippled Bran Stark, he begins to cut Bran free. The others realize that Locke is here to kidnap Bran and leave them, and Hodor becomes frantic, pulling at the chain and plate that hold him in place. Jojen is calm, though, nodding at Bran to do it. As Locke hoists Bran on his shoulders for the trip to the Dreadfort, Bran wargs into Hodor. This gives Hodor the extra edge to free himself from the wall, chase after Locke, and kill him with Hodor's bare hands basically crushing his skull. Bran falls onto the ground next to Locke's dead body. He looks up and can literally see his brother Jon, cleaning up the mess of the Mutineers. He wants Jon to see him, help him. But Hodor has freed Jojen, who gives Bran a choice; keep on his journey, or the safety of Castle Black. Because Jon won't let him go. Bran, after a long look at his brother, silently has Hodor slip them away. Safety would be great. Family would be great. But the Three-Eyed Crow won't stop until Bran has come.
Jon spies Qarl Tanner running back into the main house, and they have a rousing sword fight, the night's main action. Qarl Tanner is sure of winning, even when Jon gets in a few good blows. Qarl is quicker than Jon, and has more fighting experience. But Qarl has more enemies than Jon. Just as he's about to win, a sword pops out of his mouth, bloody from the back of his head. Qarl falls aside as we see one of Craster's wives, black eye healing nicely, getting revenge for herself and her sisters. Qarl, despite his huge wound, can still stagger up, grab her, and is about to kill her when Jon finally kills him from behind. The fight is over. The Mutineers are almost wiped out. Only one remains. Cuntface, who like all horror-movie victims, is stupidly running through dark woods in a panic. He stops in a clearing, where we hear a sinister growl. Cuntface's good buddy Ghost shows up, and gets his revenge.
Jon and his buddies are surveying the wreck of Craster's, when Ghost finally emerges from the dark, to Jon's joy.
Let's see Janos Slynt call my dad a traitor now.
Craster's wives look on, about ten of them. Finally free of both abusive father and intruders, Jon would like to take them to Castle Black. They're not interested. They brush off all the dangers Jon brings up, and tell Jon to burn the place down. They've had enough of men protecting them from the outside world, only to be more dangerous than anything outside. They'll live or die on their own now. They are fascinated when their home and hell burn, watching it crumble as their old lives end and their new ones begin. Free. In a world where women lose, horribly, all the time, it's nice to see them win once in a while.
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