Let's start by comparing Littlefinger's actions this week to Dany's. Both get some action from another character they've long had their eyes on. In the case of Dany and Daario, he tries to indirectly complain that his current watch duties in Meereen are a little boring, but that sex could keep him perky. He demonstrates this by evading her own guards to wait for her in her own room. After that, he's all loyal servility. He really feels that he could further demonstrate his devotion to Danaerys, like a corporate tool asking for a promotion. Dany takes him up on at least part of his offer. When she orders him to take off his clothes, he knows enough to take his time, and give her a good look at the goods.
The Queen wants a show!
Littlefinger starts by watching Sansa. She enters a snowy courtyard in the Eyrie, reminded by the scene of home, which she gets down to work re-building in snow right then and there. She's quietly reminding herself of all that she's lost, in the hope that maybe, just maybe, this could be her home, too. Robin, Little Lord of the Vale and Lover of the Moon Door, ruins the moment with nosy questions, and a demand to remake the snow Winterfell with a Moon Door. When he ruins her quiet peace and the result of her days' work, she slaps him. This is the first time in three seasons that Sansa has set a boundary, and enforced it, and stood up for herself, and she immediately regrets it. Littlefinger dismisses her worries, telling her he'll handle it, reassuring her that it was the right thing to do. Sansa sighs that she'll never see Winterfell again, but Petyr comforts her: Never Say Never in Westeros. Anything can happen.
I'm sure nothing will come along and ruin this...
Sansa takes a chance, and risks talking about Littlefinger's part in Joffrey's death. Why kill someone who's benefited you? Who wasn't an immediate threat? Petyr claims to have done it for Catelyn, revenge for a woman he loved years ago, who he couldn't have because of duty and his own lack of importance twenty years ago. A woman killed so Joffrey could be securer on his Iron Throne. Sure, he makes it sound personal, but only before reminding Sansa that you must demolish the old world before you can build a new one. He waxes on about how Sansa could have been his daughter before gently kissing her. It's Sansa's first real kiss, and she pulls away a little too late for a spying Aunt Lysa.
Both Littlefinger and Dany have some 'splaining to do to long-time admirers after their dalliances. Ser Jorah runs into Daario dressing as he ambles from what could only be Dany's chambers, and it's a scene right out of a bad romantic comedy. Ser Jorah tries not to show his disapproval to Dany, but she knows he's crushed, and tries to comfort him by telling Jorah she's sent him away to kill the Slavemasters of Yunkai, to prevent the re-emergence of slavery there. Jorah doesn't just not want Daario fucking Dany, he doesn't want Daario getting special assignments from her, either. He questions Daario's loyalty, reminding her that Daario beheaded his former bosses (though not remembering, it was for Dany). He also echoes Ser Barristan, asking for some compromise with the Slavers of Yunkai, reminding her that he was also a slaver. Where would she be if Ned Stark had managed to kill him? How will former slaves learn not to carry out revenge killings, if Dany doesn't show them a new way forward?
Dany comes up with her own ruthless compromise for the Slavers of Yunkai. She tells Jorah to find Lo Loraq, the faithful, pious son from the previous episode. He, a former slave-owner himself, can give the Slavers of Yunkai her really awesome deal: live in her new world, or die in their old one. Sending Jorah to give Daario the news, she instructs him to tell Daario it was his idea. Just so Jorah can have his own bragging rights. At this point, she's not just going for a throne. She's re-making the world to correct the wrongs of everyone who ever used power to control someone else. To abuse and exploit someone else. And this new world will be by her command. Maybe she should write a manifesto, first.
Wait, am I a proletarian or a bourgeoisie?
Aunt Lysa summons Sansa to the Moon Door Room, staring down into the abyss where the Vale's enemies are executed. She uses a more restrained voice, but she's just as fascinated with killing people by sending them to the rocks below as her son. Whereas Robin can only talk about how much fun it is, Lysa focuses on what's left afterwards, and the rocks' fickleness in which body parts are preserved. Sansa thinks she's being reprimanded for slapping Robin, and hurriedly apologizes for it as they stand together at the edge of the door, but Lysa has a more direct threat involved, grabbing Sansa by the hair and slamming her face into the empty space, face down and looking directly at the snowy rocks below that might let her pretty face remain intact. She's screaming for help as Lysa accuses her of stealing her husband, like everyone has always done all of Lysa's life.
You'd think I'd be used to this by now....
Petyr intervenes, slowly and gently walking forward, reassuring Lysa that he'll send Sansa away and talking her down enough for Lysa to toss Sansa back onto the floor behind them. Lysa literally grabs Petyr, wanting every reassurance he can give her. That he loves her. That he didn't love Catelyn. That all the sacrifices she's made have made Petyr hers. Petyr draws it out before crushing her. Like Ryan Seacrest announcing who will stay for next week, he makes it sound like she's been his love, before saying ".... your sister." Lysa's face falls in complete disappointment before she realizes that Littlefinger has pushed her out her own Moon Door. We hear her scream as she falls. Littlefinger has solved the problem of his loyalty between his wife and his love, by picking his love's daughter, and killing her rival. Lord Robin is now under his "protection", making him even more powerful.
Nope
Tyrion gets visited by three potential champions in his upcoming trial by combat. The first is Jaime, the brother who he wanted to fight for him in the Vale. Tyrion admits to Jaime that he threw Tywin's deal back in his face out of spite. The original deal would have been of more benefit to Tywin than either of them. Tyrion might not survive the Wall; and Jaime would be under his father's thumb the rest of his days. Tyrion's put himself on a sure road to death for the angry look on Tywin's face when he was cheated of his victory. Jaime calls it pride. But Tyrion has really saved his brother's freedom, and will probably pay with his life. Tyrion moans that he's been a loyal son his whole life, while Jaime's screwed up every way he can think. Jaime sets his limits- no whining, and no reminding Jaime that about the whole incest thing. In the end, Jaime must decline being Tyrion's champion, as he can't fight much beyond a stable boy. And he'll never defeat Cersei's champion.
No, we can't talk about how I fuck my own sister
Who is getting a little vicious slaughter practice in. What must be peasant prisoners condemned to die anyway are marched, one by one, up to the Mountain that Rides, Gregor Clegane, to be killed in some bloody and painful way. They try to beg for mercy as they're disemboweled. Cersei watches on, perhaps in anticipation of Tyrion or his champion being killed this way. She approaches the giant, covered in blood and barely able to speak full sentences. She relishes in the power she has to have such a brute warrior fight for her, and help remove the brother she hates from this life. The Mountain, for his part, just wants a fight. He doesn't even care with whom.
Selyse and Melisandre have a different talk. Instead of power on display, it's envy. Selyse is so sorry to disturb a comfortably nude Melisandre while she enjoys a hot soak in a tub. Melisandre is all chummy, and happy to share an intimate moment with one of her first and most devoted followers. Selyse, who calls herself a Queen, is happy to serve Melisandre some vial for her bath, shrinking from the potions she shouldn't touch, watching Melisandre enjoy sensual delights. Selyse has never looked so shriveled, while Melisandre looks radiant. When Melisandre tries a light joke on Selyse, it bombs, and Melisandre gently explains to Selyse that sometimes, a lie is necessary. She gracefully ascends from the tub, like Venus from the waves that birthed her, and shows Selyse how most of her potions are just parlor tricks to get people to pay attention, so she can bring out the actual good stuff.
Melisandre is totally comfortable in her own, beautiful body, while plain, embarrassed, Selyse is carefully wrapped up. Melisandre tries to comfort Selyse, first by telling her that the flesh is just something with needs, and that Stannis is fucking her because men need the chase. But she further butters up Selyse with praise for her piety, and convinces her that she, too, will now be able to know the will of the Lord of Light. Selyse brings up one more concern: bring Shireen on the family's planned voyage on Stannis' quest for the Iron Throne? Selyse is angry at Shireen's refusal to convert, and convinced it's just teenage rebellion, which would anger a woman who's always obeyed authority with so little to show for it. Melisandre is all ease as she insists that Selyse must bring Shireen. Stannis has already made it plain that harming Shireen is a line no one should cross, so Melisandre possibly thinks that the journey, wherever it's to, will give her a chance to show Shireen her god's power.
The fire says you could spruce yourself up and get your man back, Selyse
Brienne and Podrick treat themselves to a night at a peaceful inn with some awesome kidney pies and a very familiar cook: Hot Pie, last seen staying behind as Arya and Gendry rode off with Thoros of Myr's Men of No Banners. Hot Pie is ecstatic over the praise, and he takes a totally uninvited seat between them, waxing on about the importance of each ingredient, especially the gravy. Don't even make a kidney pie without that. Brienne is annoyed from the beginning, and even Pod looks weary of the food talk, until Hot Pie inquires about their journey, and Brienne decides to see if Hot Pie will talk about Sansa Stark as much as food. Hot Pie becames cagey. He's managed to avoid getting hurt on this journey, and survive the civil war, and he doesn't want to ruin it. The next day, Pod is trying to advise Brienne not to advertise their task, when Hot Pie approaches. Pod's advice isn't bad, but doesn't really apply to the boy offering them the juiciest information they've gotten; Arya Stark is alive, and Hot Pie saw her not too long ago. They were going to trade Arya to her mother at the time. He even demonstrates that he was convinced that it was Arya Stark, by presenting her with a direwolf cake, supposedly for Arya if they find her. With Catelyn Stark dead, the Men with No Banners would have to take Arya to the Eyrie, and see if her aunt Lysa will pay for her. Pod admits that it could, very easily, be a wrong guess, but Brienne decides that it's their best lead yet. They take the right turn, presumably toward the Vale.
We're totally eating that cake ourselves
Arya and the Hound, on the road, decide to cautiously approach a smoking house, hoping for food and no soldiers. There's neither. Only a middle-aged man, who doesn't understand why the world isn't fair anymore. Soldiers used to pay for food. Now they kill for it. It doesn't make sense; you don't kill the people who need to feed you next year as well as this one. Neither Arya or the Hound have any words of comfort for him. Arya tries to tell him that nothingness will be better than his suffering, and at least not worse. Is nothingness better than hopelessness? It's not. But it's not worse, either. In a way, Arya's telling him to not fear death. The Hound gives him a last drink of water, and both commiserate that it's not wine right before The Hound slips his sword right into the man's heart. The Hound literally tells Arya that's how it's done, right before he's leaped on and bitten in the neck. The Hound easily kills his attacker, but there's one more; Rorge, one of the prisoners being escorted to the Wall, who Arya would name as one of the people she wants to kill, but couldn't until now, when he tells her his name. Arya unceremoniously stabs him in the heart, and The Hound is pleased that she's finally learning.
Tyrion is, at last, visited by a very spiffy-looking Bron, dressed up as a character from The Princess Bride, and sad to tell Tyrion that he's refusing to be Tyrion's champion. Cersei has offered him a marriage to the second daughter of Lord Stokeworth, and all Bron has to do is kill the infertile older sister to get it for himself someday. Bron has a sure thing, without having to fight. Why go up against the Mountain, in a very uncertain chance of maybe winning some frozen grass in the North someday? Tyrion tries to hide how crushed he is. His sister has out-bribed him, and he knows it. He knows he's a little closer to a beheading too. But Tyrion, the noblest character on the show, is too brave. The same pride that caused him to throw Tywin's deal in his face now holds Tyrion together as he and Bron have an honest discussion of Bron's chances in either scenario. They also, honestly, discuss whether they were really friends, with Bron reminding Tyrion that the life-risking was entirely Bron's on behalf of Tyrion's.
Dude, check your privilege
Bron, who can no longer count on a Lannister to protect him in King's Landing, must do the best he can for himself, and can only wish Tyrion luck. Tyrion even manages to offer Bron his hand. The two have a long handshake that neither wants to end. Bron's last words to him are a wish to hear that Tyrion defeats the Mountain himself. Bron looks like he really wishes Tyrion could kill the Mountain.
Jon arrives back at Castle Black, to lots of happy people, and a pissed off Ser Alliser Thorne. Using his derogatory name for Jon, again, he orders Jon to lock up his direwolf. Technically, that's not a bad idea, but he does it with such a pissy tone, breaking up everyone's joy, that Thorne betrays just how weak his position is. A mission that Thorne didn't think worth his time is successful. By a fucking Steward. Maybe Thorne should stop calling him Lord Snow. The name might become official.
But Thorne isn't done being a horse's ass for spite. Jon calls out his repeated warning of Rayder's strength. He then proposes the best defense- seal the tunnel under the wall at Castle Black, and dig in for a hard fight. Thorne is furious that a Steward has a good idea, and totally unbelieving of Jon's description of Rayder's giants. He turns to the head of Builders, who is too scared to challenge Thorne. Hey, at least Janos Slynt isn't insulting his dad anymore. Jon and Sam get night duty on the Wall, for, like a month. Thorne has now put Jon in a position where he can even better prove that he's a better fighter and leader. Does Jon realize this?
The Hound and Arya stop after their fight, and Arya is about to walk over to The Hound with a burning stick to cauterize his wound when the Hound releases some fury, and Arya can only watch as he fucks up cleaning and stitching his wound. Arya wants to help, and the Hound just isn't used to it. He recounts how his brother, The Mountain, held his face to the fire over a fucking toy.
In his defense, it was a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll
It was painful, with the disgusting smell of burning flesh, but the fact that he was viciously attacked by his own brother, and his father tried to cover it up, were the worst to bear. The Hound berates Arya- she's been alone for about a year. He's been alone for a couple decades. Arya shows him that, for now, he's not alone. For today, despite his name on her list, she'll pour some dirty water on his bite and stitch it up properly.
One last visitor for Tyrion today: Oberyn Martell, aka Sexy Revenge. Tyrion wants to hear all about Oberyn's latest sexual escapade, but Oberyn actually has taken his head out from between Ellaria Sand's legs. For now. Oberyn, instead, wants to talk about the person who's orchestrating this entire farce: Cersei. Tyrion muses that Cersei is good at using honest emotions to sell a lie. Oberyn tells Tyrion the story of how the actually met, years ago. Dorne wanted an alliance with Casterly Rock, so Oberyn's father sent him and Ellia to Casterly Rock for a meet and greet with Jaime and Cersei, hoping for at least one marriage. At the time, Tywin was obsessed with Cersei marrying the Targaryen prince Rhaegar, and turned Dorne's offers down, which is part of the bad blood between the familes. Along the way to Casterly Rock, on a boring voyage that Oberyn hated, he heard every single tale of Tyrion's deformity, believing that there was a real, baby monster at Casterly Rock. Cersei, in true Cersei form, played with Oberyn's fascination and desire to see little Tyrion. Oberyn recounts how disappointed he was in Tyrion's appearance. He looked like a baby with a big head, but otherwise normal. He tells Tyrion how Cersei grabbed his baby penis and twisted it so painfully, Jaime had to stop her. Cersei then told Oberyn that this little baby had killed her mother, and she couldn't wait for it to die itself.
My sister may be raped and dead, but yours just sucks.
Tyrion thinks that Oberyn is trying to mock or demoralize him, but it's the opposite; Oberyn is trying to tell Tyrion that he sees beyond Cersei's lies, because he's always known how much Cersei hated Tyrion and wanted him dead. Oberyn remarks how Cersei wants to kill a Lannister even more than he does, and he reminds Tyrion of his vow to get justice for his sister and her children for the horrible crime the Mountain committed. Tyrion tells Oberyn that King's Landing is the wrong place for justice. Oberyn tells him he'll settle for revenge, and offers to be Tyrion's champion. Tyrion is actually surprised; hated by his family, disappointed by his friends, this prince who only knew him as a babe is now offering to save his life. Defeating the Mountain would do more than save Tyrion's life; it would remove a powerful force for chaos and cruelty from the realm, and give the land a chance at peace. And Oberyn will try it, just for the chance to deal with the past, and help Tyrion and Westeros, find a future.
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