Okay, we'll spend a little time on the conversations, more because of what was implied. Cersei is right where about 90% of the audience hoped she'd be since Season 1. The Septas (basically, nuns) are trying to slap and thirst a confession out of her. The one who interviews her has no response to Cersei's mixture of pleas and threats. Nothing is wanted from Cersei but a confession. Even Qyburn, her only visitor, gently nudges her that way. But, a confession is the only thing Cersei won't provide anyone.
Couple of interesting notes: Tommen has cut off all contact with anyone who could advise him. Has Tommen realized how useless he is? With Cersei charged for everything, including conceiving Tommen through incest, he's basically a lame duck king. If Cersei is convicted, Uncle Kevan will need to whisk Tommen away from King's Landing. Best-case scenario for Tommen: he spends his days at Casterly Rock. Worst-case: a mob gets him and delivers mob "justice".
Qyburn informs Cersei that Pycelle has basically abandoned Cersei, probably out of spite for all her insults to him. Kevan is coming to take her place, which means that no one expects her to be vindicated soon. Indeed, no one seems to want her to be vindicated at all. No wonder that spilled water on the floor looks so good.
Roose briefs the defenders of Winterfell on his strategy for defeating Stannis. Basically, he'll just let Stannis and his army die in the North's Winter. Roose points out that they have months of food, proper fortifications, and soldiers used to the cold. There's no real reason to even fight them, and Roose is totally okay with digging out their corpses years from now when Spring finally comes.
Ramsay is bored with this idea. And, we all know that Ramsay needs something to do. Ramsay wants to literally strike at Stannis, leaving his well-defended castle for the snow and cold and a fight while Stannis still has an army. Roose tries to patiently explain that it's a stupid idea, but Ramsay offers to only need twenty fighters. Roose only takes the bait when Ramsay sells it as a message to any other possible invaders.
Neither man knows that Littlefinger is probably in the Vale right now raising an army that will also march on Winterfell, and something tells me that he has no intention of making sure the Boltons keep Winterfell or that Stannis wins it. Soldiers of the Vale are from mountains that are almost as snowy and cold in winter, and won't balk at the weather. They're battle-hardened and Littlefinger has earned the submission of their lords. And Littlefinger plays to win. Ramsay is sure he'll win; Roose is sure he'll win. Stannis is pressing forward even as battle looks worse. Will Littlefinger let Baratheon and Bolton weaken each other, and seize Winterfell for his own? My guess is he wants Sansa to be a widow and free to marry him. He's already negotiated to be the Warden of the North if he wins; and he's demonstrated he wants Sansa as his eventual prize.
Speaking of Sansa, she's getting dressed and patiently waiting for meals now, a sign that she intends to keep on going until some other idea for escape comes to her. You and I know that Brienne is still waiting, but Sansa may suspect her way out abandoned her after so long without a signal and the coming Winter. Reek explains his newest betrayal with the news that no one escapes Ramsay. To try to is provoke him into retaliation. Does Reek think he's doing Sansa a favor by advising her to simply accept Ramsay's cruelty?
Notice: both Qyburn and Reek counsel Cersei and Sansa to comply with the unthinkable. Notice: neither woman gives in. Was this all women had back in the Dark and Middle Ages? Their only allowed defiances were these small ones.
While arguing over just why Reek is such a shitty person, Sansa manages to pick open one of Reek's equivocations and gets him to admit he never killed Bran and Rickon. He doesn't realize it, but he's just given Sansa a reason to live, and some secret knowledge she can use, if she can figure out how and when to use it. Keep in mind, Sansa doesn't realize that Ramsay and Roose already know the younger Stark boys are alive. She has a good card, but she doesn't know all her opponents' cards yet.
Dany and Tyrion face each other in Dany's throne room, Jorah standing to the side and enduring hearing about himself and what a desperate wretch he really is. It breaks him, but it also breaks Dany to send away someone who she relied on so completely for so long. She does it on Tyrion's advice, after hearing him unwittingly tell her something she foolishly learned the hard way. While Dany tries to cow Tyrion into proving himself as an advisor, he reminds her that he's going to have to decide whether she's worth advising. He makes it clear that she's racked up some impressive wins, but they've only made him curious, not convinced him to serve her.
It unsettles her that this criminal from Westeros, from a family that should be begging for her forgiveness, is on the fence about her. Later, Tyrion finally gets some wine and he and Dany can relax and discuss how they've both resolved not to be their fathers' duplicates. He tries talking her out of taking the Iron Throne; he reminds her her work in Mereen isn't done and isn't likely to be done anytime soon.
Dany is still convinced that the common people of Westeros want her to return. Tyrion humors her, only to point out that the common people, if she does has their support, aren't enough. Tyrion advises by asking questions. Does your hoped-for strategy work where you've tried to apply it? When the look on Dany's face tells him he's got a point, he reminds her that the rich, though bastards, are needed to really secure a realm.
He runs through the noble houses of Westeros, pretty sure only the Tyrells will support her. He leaves out House Martell of Dorne, but they would likely support her- Dany's eldest brother was married to a Martell, and the poor woman was the cruelly murdered Ellia that Oberyn tried to avenge.
Dany doesn't dismiss the nobility of Westeros. But she describes them to Tyrion as the problem that she feels she will finally solve by taking the Iron Throne. Tyrion is a little surprised- is Dany plotting to destroy every noble house, even ones that might support her? Well, she was fine with killing the Masters of Astapor. And killing off the noble houses will remove the most troublesome part of ruling as a monarch. But, can a crown effectively govern each region after removing that region's long-time lord?
AND THEN THERE WAS AN AWESOME ZOMBIE BATTLE! It starts innocently enough, with Tormund openly beating the Lord of Bones to death so he can call for a meeting with the elders and the elders will actually show up. Lord Commander Jon Snow makes his case, and offers dragonglass (obsidian) daggers as a gift in exchange for taking his already-generous deal. The Free Folk basically get what they wanted in the first place, as long as they'll send fighters to end the armies of the dead to the Night's Watch.
The lone giant, maybe the last of his kind, sulks in a corner. I can't blame him for not trusting the Night's Watch, although he looks tormented by the fact that he knows there's no hope for him North of the Wall. The Thenn leader, scarred and bald (once again- it's fucking cold and NO ONE is wearing a hat) just gives Jon ugly threats. Only Karsi remembers what the original goal was, and just can't believe that they'll get it despite losing the war and her male relatives anyway.
In the end, Tormund defends Jon, telling them that he helped Mance Rayder die a quick death instead of the fiery torture Stannis wanted. Calling the leaders of Westeros "Southern Kings" as if they can have the South and nothing else, Tormund talks up Jon. Little advice: maybe it's not a good idea to admit that Jon is as pretty as a girl after he's just been accused of sucking Jon's cock. But otherwise, it's a good speech that convinces Karsi, though not the Thenns or the giant.
The dragonglass daggers, stupidly, are left behind in the cottage with only Dolorous Edd to make sure only Free Folk coming along get them.
The lackluster evacuation starts. Karsi gets her daughters on a boat, and promises that she's coming right behind them with the elderly, a sure sign she won't survive the episode, especially when she gets a long, last look at her daughters floating away. Tormund isn't as worried at the small number of evacuees as Jon, saying he needs patience with the Free Folk, and that winter and death will bring more of them sooner that Jon's words can. They both seem resigned to slowly moving people until dogs start barking. Every dog.
The Free Folks are in their only known town of Hardhome, a settlement built out of logs. There's a couple buildings, a couple docks and a log gate that stretches between two mountains. The log gate only guards a small portion of the whole thing, with Free Folk camped out outside the gates. Their dogs are their only warning system, and it's too late. Jon and Tormund watch as a brown dust storm starts from the surrounding mountains. The Thenn leader wanders to the open gate, ordering it shut as soon as he sees a brown whirlwind advancing through the camp outside, and Free Folk running away from it.
Jon and Tormund know it's the dead right away, making more wights. And we know the fate of the Free Folk locked outside when the gate is finally closed. But the Thenn can't help watching for the dead to attack, which he gets close up. The wights immediately storm the wall, punching thru holes between the logs, trying to climb under, trying to climb over. Jon wastes time looking to the top of the mountains at the edge of Hardhome, making out four riders. Four Horsemen, bringing the Apocalypse.
The Free Folk respond with archers and the brutal violence they've always relied on. But that wall isn't going to hold back an army of bloodthirsty dead. Jon and the Thenn scramble to find the dragonglass daggers that Edd weirdly left behind when the building he and giant were in is attacked. And it's here that we see the White Walker Warrior come for both fighters. The Thenn goes down quickly, his weapon actually whacked apart easily by the White Warrior. Jon tries to get back his daggers, but Lord Whitey decides to take his time killing Jon. Jon loses Longclaw, his Valyrian steel sword, and tries another. Lord Whitey easily hacks it apart. Jon stumbles away, managing to grab Longclaw back, and looks as amazed as his enemy when the Valyrian steel holds against his spear. Longclaw easily hacks Lord Whitey apart with one strike, making Jon the luckiest bastard in Westeros.
Edd finds Jon after he's won, and the two witness the final invasion of Hardhome. With wights literally jumping off the mountain and into Hardhome, to rise and storm the place, and the log gate finally collapsing, it's time for the few remaining fighters to desperately run to the dock and the last boat. Karsi has gone down, her heart and spirit broken by children converted into wights, one of whom looks like one of her own daughters. A few look like they've been dead a while, while a few are new. And all of them look hungry. Karsi is swallowed by a heap of them, biting her to death.
Jon and Tormund and Edd and a few other unnamed fighters manage to row away, but stop rowing once away from shore to watch the lone giant slowly walk into the bay, toward their waiting ships. They can also watch the last few humans of Hardhome be viciously killed by wights. The shoreline quiets down, until no more killing is needed. No more humans remain. Hardhome is wiped out.
One figure emerges, walking calmly along the dock Jon and Co. just left. While the last survivors float just out of his reach, and you are screaming at Jon to fucking row, Jon and Tormund and Edd can only watch in horror as The Night's King simply extends him arms, raising all the last kills of Hardhome from death, to rise with pale blue eyes. The shore is still so quiet that you can hear the sound of waves and wind as the camera pans out to see an entire shoreline covered in wights. The Night's King can't wait to see Jon again, even with Jon's Valyrian steel sword.
Row, you stupid fuckers, row!!!!
Who is the Night's King? This article is a handy guide. Last time, it took a Stark and a Free Folk King to defeat him. Enemies why this are why Starks are always preparing for Winter. With a world more concerned about a fucking sword-chair in King's Landing, what hope does a decimated Night's Watch and untrained, undisciplined and almost-wiped-out Free Folk have? Little known fact: Brienne of Tarth is carrying, possibly the only other Valyrian steel in the North, Oathkeeper. She's also not far, just outside of Winterfell. Will she eventually join the fight of the millenium?
Because this battle showed just what the great fight of this story will be. Even Littlefinger's long-game threat to Westeros pales (sorry for the pun) in comparison. A non-human foe, with a past of evil, horror and death, threatens all of Westeros. And he's coming soon. Every other plot thread seems weak now, after a foe even the Thenns feared doesn't even let Jon get in one lousy evacuation. The only other characters who seem at all concerned about the coming War of Night are Stannis and Melisandre. And both are basically pinning their hopes on Stannis becoming king of Westeros first. Maybe Wintering at Castle Black is where Stannis should be. If Stannis can kill Ramsay Bolton before heading back to save all of Westeros, will he be everyone's favorite for the throne?
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