One power couple painfully breaks up as another gently forms, in and around Meereen. Unsullied soldiers are bathing, relaxing in a sheltered stream. Conveniently visible, some local ladies are also washing themselves and their clothes, including a lovely Missandhei. Grey Worm, while enjoying a cool bath, watches her. When Missandhei sees and notices him, she's startled for a moment, then stands so he can see her. Then, she changes her mind and covers herself. With no masters to control them, Missandhei seems totally unsure of what to do, or even what she wants. Dany is limited help to her, as neither of them are even sure if Grey Worm still has his "pillar". The whole conversation between them, with Dany trying to understand if Missandhei likes Grey Worm when Missandhei doesn't know herself, sounds like the kind of "birds and bees" talk mothers and daughters had in 1950. Dany talks of naked bodies making love under the stars; Missandhei just seems uncomfortable talking about anyone's body. Dany wants to advise Missandhei, but Missandhei doesn't even know what about the whole incident bothers her.
When Grey Worm, disappointed in himself, approaches Missandhei later in the throne room, the two are alone. He apologizes immediately, and Missandhei calmly tries to reassure him that she's not offended. But, her curiosity gets the better of her, and she tries expressing sympathy to Grey Worm, for the mutilation he suffered from the Masters of Astapor. Grey Worm reminds Missandhei that every injustice he endured led, eventually, to revenge against his masters and freedom for himself. And the chance to know her as a free man. Grey Worm is not a man given to regrets. His life is suddenly worth living, and by seeing his suffering as a story that ends with his dignity, feels bound to respect Missandhei's dignity as well.
Ser Barristan gets a visit from a little bird, handing off a scroll to him before he scurries off, leaving Ser Barristan with only the indentation on the sealing wax- that of a hand. As in, Hand of the King. What he reads inside leads him to Ser Jorah, pondering crossing the Narrow Sea for King's Landing. Until, that is, Barristan confronts him with his new information. Ser Jorah wants to know why he's being confronted by Ser Barristan alone, who wanted to prepare him for the inevitable. Ser Jorah just wants to explain the whole thing to Dany, alone. Ser Barristan shoots that down, demanding that he never be alone with Dany again. Uh. Oh. Looks like someone's past spying is out. Ser Jorah look resigned for the worst anyone can dish out, as he proceeds to Dany's throne room. She's guarded by both Ser Barristan and Grey Worm, and Missandhei stands off to the side. So, all her closest advisors will see Ser Jorah's humiliation.
Trouble in the Principal's Office!
Dany, wearing a necklace originally from Khal Drogo, summarizes the contents, which is Robert Baratheon's original pardon from Season 1, re-delivered somehow to Meereen. At first, Ser Jorah counsels Dany to examine the motives of whoever sent it. She's more interested in his motives in obtaining a pardon from the Usurper in the first place. Ser Jorah finally admits the full extent of his sending sensitive information to Varys, and therefore, Robert Baratheon. Dany is stricken to realize that it was Ser Jorah's information that led to an attempt on her life, to kill her and her fetus. She stays calm, but is clearly just now realizing how she's been followed around by someone so treasonous. Ser Jorah was her rock, her only reliable help, for so long. Now, he turns out to be even more conniving than her maid from Season 2. Ser Jorah tries to reassure Dany that he's been faithful and in love with her since. She can't trust him. She won't let him address her, especially not with the affectionate "Khaleesi" he uses to remind her of how long he's served her. She shakes a little as she banishes him. He leaves Meereen by sundown, looking back toward the tower she lives in, so far from her now. Cast off, to the unknown.
Molestown, the last village before a short trip to the Wall, is busy tonight. A few Brothers of the Night's Watch have snuck down to enjoy an evening of gastric music-making. The whores are sad and decrepit, clothed more in rags than clothes, and happy to get as drunk as the customers. One particularly articulate belcher turns out to be a mean drunk as she berates Gilly, busy cleaning sheets, for Gilly's crying baby. Gilly tries to passively submit to her, but won't listen to her once she starts hearing owl hoots outside. They remind her of something else, though. The next thing we see is a man staring into his own reflection from a well, joined by Tormund Giantsbane and the Magnar of Thenn, who immediately get to slitting throats throughout the dark town. As they proceed through the pitiful excuse for a town, similar to the massacre in 28 Days of Night, the blood flows. Decrepit whores and their customers are brutally hacked down by bloodthirsty wildlings. Ygritte, especially, can only angrily storm every inch of the brothel, and dish out a bloody death to Ms. Mean Drunk. Ygritte only stops when confronted with killing a baby. Does she see that Gilly is a wildling, not unlike herself? Can she just not kill a baby? Whatever the reason, she makes a silent deal with Gilly. Stay quiet, and you'll live. She leaves Gilly to watch blood drip from the ceiling above, a grisly reminder of what could happen. Gilly keeps her baby quiet now.
Jon Snow and his buddies are decimated by the news. Three of their Brothers are dead, mostly because they stupidly disobeyed orders. Sam is overcome; he sent Gilly to Molestown, promising her it was safe for her there. He might just as well kept her at Castle Black. The others remind Sam that Gilly's gotten this far in one piece. Sam decides to be hopeful as Jon and the others determine that there are 102 Brothers against 100,000 wildlings. Oh, and did we mention Mance Rayder's got giants? The Brothers share a drink, promising that the last one alive will burn the bodies to prevent any more Others from walking. At this point, it's the best they can hope for.
While those we want to live wait for death, someone we'd all like to see dead, is about to get a field day of blood and gore. Ramsay is preparing to take Moat Cailin, a major fortress and gateway to the North, for his father, Roose Bolton. Moat Cailin is currently being held by some nasty Ironborn, benefiting from Moat Cailin's easy defendability and stubbornly holding up Roose's plans for domination. Ramsay explains to Reek that the Ironborn, like the Kraken, can only survive in the sea. So, really, they're doing the Ironborn a favor.
Looks easy.
Wait, now I AMTheon?
Who knows. Maybe he liked it.
When Roose and Ramsay meet each other's armies, on some field in the middle of nowhere, Roose takes Ramsay off for a short walk. From there, Roose gets all sentimental as he demonstrates just how much land the North has. Look at a map of Westeros. It's about the same size as the other regions of Westeros combined, like putting Alaska next to the Eastern United States. Roose is ecstatic about gaining that much power and territory; he gives Ramsay the legitimacy he promised. He promises Ramsay that the North will be his someday. Roose, knowing full well how psychotic his son is, just made him a future Warden of the North. With Roose gaining an heir, will he still care about his wife? Or, will Lady Walda find herself being chased by hungry dogs?
Littlefinger faces two Lords and a Lady of the Vale. When the mother of the current child-Lord dies, I suppose somebody should just make sure it wasn't foul play. The tribunal doesn't really believe anything he says. The families of the Vale have a long history of distrusting outsiders, and no one really likes Littlefinger anyway. He's getting nowhere trying to earn their trust. And they've been clever enough to line up his "niece's" testimony in advance. Sansa walks in, and one is reminded of Shae's entry into Tyrion's trial. Littlefinger doesn't look devastated or heartbroken as Tyrion did; does he know something the tribunal doesn't? Sansa starts out courageously enough, telling the tribunal that Littlefinger has told them a great lie. She then truly introduces herself, letting them in on the secret of her real identity, Sansa Stark. She cries a little as she recounts her ordeal in King's Landing, and the tribunal, hating Lannisters anyway, is instantly sympathetic. Sansa proves she knows one of them already, an older lord who previously brought his son north for a place in the Night's Watch. Note: Ned Stark, before he was Lord of the Winterfell, was raised here, in the Eyrie, by the prior Lord of the Eyrie, Jon Arryn (the husband Lysa secretly murdered). The families of the Vale, while not getting involved in the recent war, were sympathetic to the Stark family and immediately promise Sansa the Vale's protection. She's relieved, and then tells them that Littlefinger has acted to protect her, when no one else would or could. She's the most convincing character witness ever, but we know she can't really mean most of what she says. She knows Littlefinger will kill even allies.
Sansa, however, confirms all Littlefinger's been telling the tribunal. Lysa mistook an innocent peck on the cheek for a kiss; Lysa lost her senses, and attacked Sansa, and then leaped out the Moon Door, mad with grief and jealousy. The tribunal, well aware of Lysa's oddities and instability, has no trouble believing a tearful Sansa. The Lady actually gets up and gives her a hug, positioning Sansa so she faces Littlefinger. Sansa, with her eyes, makes it clear that Littlefinger owes her. Big time.
Littlefinger gracefully accepts all apologies, and launches right into ruling the Vale by proposing that Robyn tour his holdings in the Vale. His audience is hesitant, thinking Robyn to weak. Littlefinger tells them that being called to his duties will strengthen him. After seeing his guests out, Littlefinger pays a visit to a lone Sansa, calmly sewing after helping Littlefinger get away with killing her aunt. Proving that Littlefinger didn't really know what Sansa was going to say, he asks why she lied. Sansa, not missing a stitch, and not looking like she's even interested in conversation, tells Littlefinger that she currently thinks her chances of survival are better with him, than without him. She should be scared of Littlefinger. She probably knows that (and in the book, she is). But, here, she calmly tells Littlefinger that she knows what he wants, without naming it. We're reminded of early in the season when Littlefinger responded "Everything", but it's left unsaid that Littlefinger's desires may be more earthly than he lets on. Whatever he wants, Sansa thinks that's the reason he'll keep her alive. For now.
Don't mind me, I'm just sewing
Many people will go on about this battle, or that fight scene. But Sansa's reversal from captive, to grateful niece, to accomplice with Littlefinger is, maybe, the biggest surprise of the season. Instead of hope, she's building what protection she can based on tearful lies.
Littlefinger is later leading little Lord Robyn out, bucking him up for his new journey, when they are joined by the last of the party. Sansa has a new dress, adorned with feathers and creepy black jewelry. Her hair is dyed brown, perfect for concealing her identity, as she re-invents herself for Littlefinger's deception. He's pleased. Does he see a future where they play the Game of Thrones together?
Like Pretty Woman except she gets a makeover to creepy
Life just gets crueler and crueler for The Hound. Wanted by the King, plagued by a neck bite, he and Arya finally make the last few steps to the Bloody Gate, almost seeming to enjoy their last few moments together. It seems The Hound's parting advice is to be happy when your enemies die, even if you didn't do the killing. They stop only to introduce themselves, with The Hound using Arya's real name for the first time in months. Arya looks like she's about to get through that gate and meet her aunt. But the guard has to inform them that Lady Lysa died. Like, right before they arrived. The Hound realizes he's not getting paid; Arya can only laugh, as if she's Pippi-fucking Longstocking.
Actually, this is NOT irony. Just coincidence.
Our favorite jail bird ever awaits his next trial, Jaime sitting by his side. Tyrion recites all the different names for killing various relatives, and the two determine there's no word for killing your cousin. Maybe, if Tyrion lives, he'll spend some time devising the word. Together, they muse on their slow, mentally challenged cousin, Orson. Orson was obsessed will killing beetles, and the sound they made as he crunched their bodies into goo. All day. Every day. Beetle after fucking beetle. And, when younger, Tyrion was obsessed with understanding Cousin Orson's relentless beetle genocide. Jaime reminds him that death is all around in Westeros, and much more cruel than the quick death Orson gave those beetles. Tyrion replies with a rant of just how much it plagued him, so much senseless death of innocent creatures. To illustrate, he picks up some unidentified insect from his prison floor. As he muses over the attempts he made to understand Orson, he carefully inspects his little friend, then puts him back down, unharmed. Orson was kicked in the chest by a mule, releasing him from life and saving beetles everywhere. Both men accept that they'll never know what drove Orson to such killing, as an ominous bell tolls. Jaime gets up to leave Tyrion, who is escorted into the arena. Tyrion, even with death coming closer and closer, either can't resist showing how clever and witty he is, or he wants to remind Jaime that even if he's dead, Jaime needs to remember a knight's duty to protect the weak.
The prelude to the fight is partly Tyrion telling Oberyn not to drink, and Ellaria conquering her fear of Oberyn's fight enough to give him a kiss worth dying for. The Mountain, clad in armor, easily stands 12 inches higher than Oberyn, and is built like a bull on two legs. Oberyn doesn't even bother with armor, and reminds Ellaria that he's survived fighting pits in Essos. He knows how to fight to the death. He's ready to kill The Mountain That Rides. He's excited and totally confident.
Really, Oberyn, don't die. I want to see you in at least ten more episodes.
And he comes out strutting his stuff, wooden spear ending in a huge steel blade. Still, the Mountain's sword is about half the length of the spear, and looks like it could chop a tree down. Oberyn, the Red Viper of Dorne, is unimpressed. He and The Mountain dance around a bit. The Mountain tries to land what would be crippling blows, but The Red Viper is too quick and agile, and his one hit only stuns The Viper. The Red Viper gets right back up and quickly gains the upper hand, which Cersei watches with no emotion. Jaime, on the other hand, watches the Red Viper land blow after blow like a hopeful Mets' fan.
Like Hulk Hogan fighting Brian Boitano
The Mountain's been used to being invincible, and inspiring fear. But The Red Viper only repeats a list of charges that he wants the Mountain to cop to: You raped my sister. You killed her children. You murdered her. The Mountain has no response, even as the Red Viper's spear finds the weak links in his armor. The Red Viper makes one last leap, landing his spear cleanly in The Mountain's gut. Cersei betrays her first anger; Jaime looks like it's 1986 and Darryl Strawberry is pitching; Tyrion looks vaguely hopeful.
The Red Viper is so confident, that he removes his spear, prolonging The Mountain's agony, demanding that The Mountain name who gave him the order to kill his sister and those children. Oberyn is screaming now, and only the sight of his relieved Ellaria can distract him. Which is all The Mountain needs. With his last strength, The Mountain grabs The Red Viper's ankle, spinning him onto the ground and mounting him. As he presses his bare thumbs into Oberyn's eyes, blood flowing from them, The Mountain passionately boasts of killing Ellia Martell, raping her, and killing her children, and then literally crushes the rest of Oberyn's skull with his fucking thumbs. The Mountain collapses next to his latest victim as blood and brain matter gush all over the stones. Cersei looks gleeful as Ellaria Sand can only scream hysterically, hands at her neck in horror and pain. Jaime looks like he's watching Mo Vaughan jog. Tywin declares Tyrion guilty.
Today's lesson, boys and girls.
The screen goes black in silence, not unlike after the Red Wedding. As soft, dramatic music plays an elegy for Oberyn Martell, Red Viper of Dorne, consider that Tywin is in more trouble than before. Sure, he gets to kill Tyrion now. But anyone who thinks Dorne will take this sitting down is an idiot. Just when Tywin has united most of Westeros, he might very well lose Dorne.
Besides reminding us of Inigo Montoya way too much, we'll miss Oberyn. One of the few characters to like in King's Landing, Oberyn and Tyrion could have been a much needed Lannister-Martell alliance of smarts and bravery. Oberyn, one of the few men willing to call out misogyny openly on the show. He came looking for revenge, and was only deprived it by a moment's distraction.
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