After teasing us last week with some barbaric kill or be killed scenario between Mance and Jon, the two end up drinking Free Folk Liquor, which Jon probably should have expected to be harder than Westeros wine. Bodies in the snow are covered in crows feasting away, and from the top of the Wall it looks like a vicious ant battle. After trekking through the remains of last night's battle, which are like a morbid, sick, party mess, he peacefully surrenders to the Free Folk in the forest bordering the Wall, and he and Mance commiserate over their dead, and especially Ygritte. Mance, despite knowing he shouldn't have trusted Jon, really thought that Jon would have at least stayed loyal to the Free Folk for her sake. He razzes Jon for breaking his chastity vows (vows Jon's just heard he didn't really break on a technicality). Their real grief is reserved for the King of the Giants, and the six Brothers he took with him at the inner gate. Jon and Mance toast fallen friends, and it's obvious that the two are just going to continue fighting because that's what everyone's here to do.
Pointless wars are always the best ones!
Their hearts aren't really in it. And, both know how pointless the fighting is; Mance doesn't want the Free Folk to be killed and re-animated as undead warriors. Jon doesn't want 99,000 Free Folk turning into White Walkers that will be harder to kill. Mance doesn't want to destroy the Wall he's hoping will protect the Free Folk. Their confab, as each tries to negotiate despite having a shitty position, is cut short when Jon tries to knife Mance and fails. Mance isn't angry, he's just disappointed, insulting Jon's and the Night's Watch honor for trying to assassinate him in his own tent during a peace negotiation. This confab is further interrupted by two flanks of cavalry riding through and killing Free Folk at will.
It resembles, if nothing else, the end of Monty Python's Holy Grail, where King Arthur almost storms the castle until he's interrupted by cops arresting John Cleese, and the whole thing ends right there on the field with a confused mob of cops, actors in Arthurian garb, and various reporters. Stannis doesn't actually fight, and neither does Mance, who now realizes he and the Free Folk are fucked. After a horseman slices down a stray Free Folk, Stannis just appears behind his cavalry, with Ser Davos telling them all how to address Stannis, and Mance deciding he'll die free rather than kneel, and giving Northern Fashion Advice. Luckily, Jon Snow introduces himself, and uses the my-dad-died-for-you card to get Mance only captured.
The conversation between them brings up a new sticking point. Sure, Jon could let them through. But then, the North would be full of people with no intention of bowing to whatever King rules. Which is not the deal. Being on the safe side of the wall means kneeling for the King's protection.
The entire Stannis clan, including Selyse and Shireen, turns out for the funerals of the Night's Watch Brothers. Master Aemmon praises the fallen Brothers for dying with no hope of glory or reward. Everyone else quietly sets the bodies on fire and watches them burn. Ser Alliser Thorne isn't among the bodies or the mourners, although Janos Slynt somehow has totally forgotten what a useless coward he is, and Samwell doesn't seem interested in spilling the beans. Now, Castle Black is filled with people, including s a few women. Which we realize is terrible when we see Melisandre way-too-interested in Jon.
Jon leaves the funeral to go and remind Tormund that the Free Folk have been completely defeated, and that their war is essentially over. Tormund doesn't really care, either way. He informs Jon that the Free Folk don't do funerals, as there's no saying goodbye to a corpse that can't hear you. Jon suddenly realizes why every funeral he's ever attended feels hollow- they're really only for the living. After reminding Jon that Ygritte loved him, mostly because she constantly threatened to kill him, and wanted to be the only one killing Jon at Castle Black. Tormund's only demand is that Jon burn Ygritte's body on the Free Side of the Wall, which he does. As Jon walks slowly away from the flaming funeral pyre, he's saying goodbye to more than just her. He's saying goodbye to the boy who fell in love with her, and didn't know who to be loyal to.
The Mountain isn't doing as well as Jon. Turns out, Oberyn left a surprise for them all; a poison on the spear tips that will kill The Mountain soon. Pycelle just wants to administer painkillers, but Qyburn, he of the metal hand and right attitude, has convinced Cersei that he can keep The Mountain alive. Pycelle is indignant as he insists that Qyburn was expelled from the Maesters for a reason, or several, but Cersei just kicks Pycelle out, demoting him to old man. Pycelle is angry at Cersei, but unable to retaliate for now. Qyburn reassures Cersei that he can save The Mountain. Qyburn is happy to assure her that The Mountain will still be a badass as blood flows, Frankenstein-style, through tubes into jars. Cersei isn't willing to let someone die who can still strike fear into her enemies.
She also isn't willing to leave her son, Tommen. She is convinced, for good reason, that Margaery and Tywin will fight a proxy war over the only child she still has. She's so committed to staying and turning it into a three-way war, that she's willing to throw away everything. Her crown, Tommen's crown, and the honor of her family, by admitting, publicly, that her children are Jaime's. Tywin, who has dismissed this accusation as rumors, is visibly shaken when Cersei declares it to be true. He doesn't want to hear it. Cersei wants him to listen, just once, to one of his children. Cersei wants Tywin to see what his children really are, even if it's a disappointment to his ambition to run the realm. He practically runs away, still in denial. Note: earlier in the confab, Tywin confirms that Tyrion's to be executed the next day.
I only want to hear "Yes, Father"
Cersei's next stop, and this is a busy day for her, is the meeting room of the Kingsguard, where Jaime accuses her of killing their brother. Cersei feels the same toward Tyrion that you and I would feel towards cancer. Literally. Jaime forgets all about Tyrion the minute that Cersei kisses him and tells him that duty to the Lannisters no longer matters to her. She doesn't love her father, she doesn't love her duties. She loves her son. And his father. And she's past caring about the consequences of anyone learning the truth. It feels like Cersei's finally taking control of her life, but it also shows the bubble she lives in. Once she's found out, and people realize Tommen doesn't belong on the Iron Throne, the cushy life in the same castle with her lover will end. Her kids wouldn't even be able to inherit Casterly Rock, as bastards. And she would spend her days in Pentos, or secluded on the rocky Western Shores of Westeros, cursing other people's judgement of her. Jaime is in the same bubble, though, and the two gleefully put aside their differences and past wrongs so that Jaime can push aside the White Book of the Kingsguard and fuck his sister on their conference table.
The people of Meereen aren't done needing Dany's help. An elderly man appears, and impresses Dany with his knowledge of the Westeros language, and his former "job" as a slave tutor for a rich man's children. Owned by what appears to have been a decent man, he was loved and respected by his pupils. Since the conquest of Meereen, he's lost his home and discovered that the new shelters for freed slaves are free-for-alls of crime and despair. Dany promises to nip that in the bud, but the guy really just wants his old life back. He was valued, perhaps because as a slave, you get a specific price which defines one's value. His pupils meant everything to him, despite the obvious power imbalance in their lives, and Dany must confront the fact that some people prefer "belonging" to someone else, as it guarantees them a position, even if it's a lowly position. As a valued slave of a wealthy man, he felt safe, respected, and loved. The chaos of sudden, unexpected freedom isn't a ladder for everyone. Some lose what little they had. When the elderly man asks to literally return to slavery, Dany must refuse his request. She wants to be Queen to a free people. But she makes him a deal. He can contract with his former owner, returning to his servitude, for a year. This gives him the option of leaving when the year is up. Or so Dany hopes. Barristan reminds her that other masters will ruthlessly exploit this new rule, and people just freed would find themselves basically yoked to their masters through unfair contracts again.
This future problem pales in comparison to the one literally carried into her throne room. A weeping peasant can barely tell them what Drogon, Dany's black and most dangerous dragon, has done now. He can only place his sack down and open it, revealing the charred bones of his three-year-old daughter. Dany is horrified. After letting an elderly man sell himself back into slavery, she must turn her children into prisoners. She tearfully leads the two smaller ones into an underground chamber, keeping them busy with a snack while she snaps collars on. Tears are already on her cheeks. As she leaves and they struggle against their new chains, they literally sob for their mother, who cries as the chamber is closed. They want freedom, but Dany can't risk any more losses to her people so her children can wander free. Another choice- freedom at all costs for a few, or chains for the good of all?
Mooooooommmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!
Team Bran is trudging through snow and ice, over hills and through valleys, and not a single one of them is wearing... a... fucking.... hat. They're all tired, but despite Meera telling Jojen that it's break time, Jojen and Bran are willing to soldier on, especially since they can now, at the crest of a small hill, see their destination. A vast, ancient tree. Roots spread out partly down the next hillside, and a brief interlude of sun shines on it's ivory trunk and red leaves. A cave underneath, into the next hill, offers shelter. They just need to trudge through one more small valley, and then they can figure out what they're supposed to do at this tree. Jojen looks strangely relieved, even more than the others, as if he wasn't expecting to see the end of their journey. One is reminded of his dire prediction of fire at Craster's.
Well, let's get to learning all about my powers
They get down and mostly through the valley through a new wind and snow easily enough. There are sudden sounds of someone punching through the snow below, and Jojen is quickly on the ground, struggling against a wight as more undead hands free themselves from the snowcover. Meera is frantic as she races back to save Jojen, leaving Hodor with Bran. Bran sends Hodor to help Meera, but he's clearly not up to the task, and Bran wargs into him so Hodor can turn into a fighting machine. When Jojen gets back up, Meera literally pushes him back down, out of the fight, where he lays useless on the ground. Bran is alone, perfect for the wight who pops up from the snow right in front of Bran, which he can barely keep from doing whatever wights do. Summer the Direwolf springs into action, saving Bran at the last minute as Meera hacks apart the wight attacking her. She turns around to see a wight mercilessly stabbing Jojen, not unlike the killing of Talisa at the Red Wedding. Jojen can only lay motionless as his blood spurts out with every stab.
Oh, so I die after all. Nuts.
It's looking bleak for Team Bran when fireballs start vaporizing the wights. A small, childlike being has appeared, telling them all to haul ass into the cave. Meera, who doesn't want to leave Jojen behind, is forced between dying with her brother or running to safety. Jojen sends her away, and she gives him a quick death before scrambling up the hill with the others. The kid, wrapped in rags and dreads, vaporizes Jojen, presumably so he won't re-animate. They all make it into the cave, the kid thro, who explain that the power that re-animates the dead can't work in her realm. Team Bran is now totally confused, until the kid reveals that she is one of the Children of the Forest, the original inhabitants of Westeros. Despite her small appearance, and her apparent youth, she's probably much older than even Hodor.
The others, still a little dazed and weary, follow their rescuer through the roots of the weirwood tree, to the center of the roots, in which stands a lone, elderly man. Bran, now down on the floor, raises himself on his arms, and identifies this man as the Three-Eyed Raven, the mysterious being that called to Bran from Winterfell, from almost the very beginning. Meera wants the old man to give her some comfort for her brother's loss. He has none to give, he can only tell Meera that Jojen knew he would die looking for the old man, but came anyway. The Three-Eyed Raven then explains that he's been watching their whole journey, and their whole lives, through whatever eyes were available. Though a little late, he offers to help Bran recover what he's lost. Bran, hopeful, thinks this means he'll walk again. The Three-Eyed Raven disappoints him, by confirming that Bran will never walk again. He offers Bran the chance to fly. Bran realizes that this journey, and his fate, are about more than his desire to be whole again.
Podrick and Brienne get a late start, after losing their horses in the night. Brienne is angry, and tells Pod that he'll be the horse for a bit, as they trudge off to the Eyrie, to see if Arya Stark can be found there. Their journey, from King's Landing to here, has probably been a long trudge with Brienne noting everything Pod's done wrong along the way. But today is different. Today, about ten miles from the Eyrie, they meet up with a kid. Playing with a small sword. At first, they just want directions, but this kid is curious. And the more she learns about Brienne, the more this kid likes her. A woman! With a sword! Who learned how to fight despite her father! Arya is literally about to make a best friend when The Hound decides there's been enough understanding and communication. This is Game of Thrones, after all. When Podrick identifies The Hound, Brienne realizes who this little kid is. She tries to make nice, convince Arya that she's on a mission from Arya's mother, but The Hound accuses her of being a patsy for the Lannisters, and Arya doesn't trust Brienne, either. Brienne practically begs Arya to come with her, offering her safety. But, The Hound lists all the places and people Arya's lost, and insults Brienne for thinking Arya could be safe anywhere.
Brienne doesn't buy that The Hound is more of a guardian, although he finally admits that's what he's been doing. Finally able to admit that Arya is more than a hostage, he and Brienne get right down into a match of screams and swords and punches and rocks, equal in size and skill. When Brienne gives The Hound the choice to surrender, The Hound reminds us all what a motherfucking badass he is when he grabs Oathkeeper, and squeezes it so hard his hands bleed, so he can yank it from her and start beating her with his bare hands. He kicks her in the groin, and Brienne screams so hideously it must be the first time she's been gotten there. But she's not done. She screams as she diverts The Hound's killing blow, screams as she bites The Hound in the neck. She grunts with every new hit from The Hound, and she roars in fury as she punches The Hound off a cliff. He falls onto the rocks below.
Her victory is short-lived. Neither she nor Podrick know where Arya went. So, that whole fight was for nothing. Brienne and Pod scramble off, as Arya sneaks down to see The Hound. He hasn't lost his vicious sense of humor, and refuses water. He tells Arya to go off with Brienne. She doesn't want anyone's protection, which The Hound mocks, and she informs him that she has officially outlived him. The Hound's last request is for Arya to finish him off. When she doesn't want to end him quickly, The Hound taunts her with the murder of her friend, and regrets not raping her older sister, claiming that raping Sansa would have given one happy memory in a life of war, fights, betrayals, and humiliations. Arya is unmoved. She silently approaches him, only to take his silver and leave him to suffer. The Hound is calling after her to kill him as she wanders off.
I guess this is how we part, then
Tyrion, enjoying one last sleep before death, is surprised by Jaime freeing him. He shows Tyrion the way to go and meet Varys, who will actually get him out of King's Landing. They share a hug, two brothers who can never see each other again. Tyrion must go to parts unknown; Jaime must stay with his power-hungry family. When Jaime leaves him to meet Varys, Tyrion hesitates, and sneaks back into the Red Keep, to see his old rooms. He probably intended to see his father, but when he gets to the Hand's chamber, he sees Shae sleeping, nude, calling out for Tywin, her lion. Tyrion is hit with the final blow from his father. Shae grabs a knife, Tyrion leaps on her and yanks it away. They struggle, and Tyrion grabs a lovely gold chain, leaps back off the bed, and strangles her with it. A Lannister mistress, killed with Lannister gold. Tyrion, even more heartbroken over her death than her betrayal, whimpers an apology to Shae. Then he grabs a crossbow, to deal with the real problem.
Oh, you're supposed to be here even less than I'm supposed to be here....
Tywin has escaped death so far by being on the toilet. He is, perhaps, the only man in Westeros who keeps his shit (pun intended) while held at bowpoint on a privy. After figuring out that Jaime freed Tyrion, he offers to go and calmly discuss matters back in his room. Tyrion makes his father admit that Tywin's always wanted Tyrion dead. Tywin, perfectly calm, decides to admit Tyrion has earned his respect, just for living when everyone wanted him dead. Despite telling Cersei the execution was full steam ahead, Tywin now claims that he never meant to actually execute Tyrion. In fact, he acts like the whole idea of executing a Lannister is ridiculous. When Tyrion admits to killing Shae, Tywin's cavalier attitude toward the whole thing disgusts him. When Tywin uses the w-word again, that's the final straw for Tyrion. Tywin gets an arrow in the gut, though not a fatal blow. So Tywin disowns him. Again. Tyrion ends the conversation with a fatal shot, leaving Tywin to rot on the toilet.
Varys is impatient to get Tyrion out, in probably the same crate we saw at the beginning of the last season. Said crate gets hoisted onto a boat bound for Essos, as Varys meanders back to the Red Keep. Bells ringing in the middle of the night from the castle change his mind, and Varys turns right back around to travel with Tyrion after all. The bromance continues.
As a choir sings, Arya reaches the sea on her trusty white pony. Alone. The captain has no interest in taking her to the Wall. Not only does the North suck, he wants to go home. To Braavos. So, Arya remembers her "lucky" coin. The captain is amazed at the child with such an iron coin. He's the perfect gentleman, responding "Valar Dohaeris" (all men must serve) even offering Arya a cabin of her own, when she repeats the words "Valar Morghulis" (all men die), told to her by Jaqen H'ghar a finale ago. Arya, on deck and enjoying her first sea voyage, starts out looking back at Westeros. But she quickly moves forward, so she can see not her past, but her future.
Oh, what a slow burn this season was. For every catastrophic event of the last third of the "Storm of Swords", there was just as much material NOT from the books, made to fill in gaps in storylines or make book storylines simpler and more direct. If you feel like Tyrion's trials and wait for his fate took too long, you'd be right- Cersei and Tywin wasted no time getting a guilty verdict for Tyrion. If you feel like an entire season of waiting for Stannis to do something is too long, you'd be right- he and Melisandre and Ser Davos have wanted to sail north since last season's finale. If you feel that an entire season of Arya and The Hound meandering through central Westeros is too long- you're an idiot. That was one of the best plot stretchers ever (they never make to the Bloody Gate before The Hound is attacked and dies from an infected wound- no Brienne matchup). I did feel like Bran and Jon passing like ships in the night was a bittersweet point worth making- that the Stark children aren't "meant" to re-unite, that they must face their struggles and battles and loves alone, like a direwolf would.
The fights, though long overdue, were each a study of character as well as a way to twist the plot. Who will forget Oberyn almost fucking killing The Mountain? Or how Arya got Needle back? Or The Hound killing three men in a tavern? Tormund and Alliser Thorne? Jon against the Mutineer's leader Karl? Or Jon against Styr, Magnar of the Thenns? Lastly, the all-or-nothing between Brienne and The Hound, who was just embarrassed at being killed by a woman?
And for book readers: what of the last scene that should have been? And where was the election at Castle Black, which was Sam's finest hour? It's not often I'm disappointed in an episode, but the actual end of the third book needed to be here. After two seasons of good guys losing, the actual end felt like justice, even if it came by the hand of horrible magic. My fellow readers, how long into Season 5 will we have to wait for her?
